I tried to explain to him that he didn't need a gift, but he was insistent. I think he was afraid he wouldn't have anything to talk about and at least the toy would be an ice breaker.
"Hot Shot, you're going to be great," I encouraged as we drove down the interstate once again, making our way back to Williamsburg. Sarah and Devin had given us the entire afternoon with Connor. We had four hours with him alone. We asked if they were sure, and they said yes. They thought it would be better for Connor to get to know us without them around, and they trusted us with him.
I was humbled by their generosity. I know what they must have gone through the last few months couldn't have been easy. Becoming parents for the first time, and then becoming parents again to a broken seven year old. I remember what I was like when my mom left and at times it seemed like no amount of love would ever be enough to replace the void left in my heart. A mother's love is irreplaceable, and to lose it so suddenly, and so young...there are no words to describe what that does to a child.
"Do you think he'll remember you?" Declan asked.
"I honestly don't know. We spent such a short time together. I hope so," I said, smiling softly. I'd thought about Connor quite a bit over the last few months, not realizing who he was or what he would come to mean to my life. He'd left his mark on my heart because I'd felt for him, being a child who'd lost someone at a young age. I don't know if that was reciprocated. His life had just been turned upside down that night, and in retrospect, that entire night could be a complete blur.
Pulling into the familiar driveway, Declan put the car in park and we made our way to the front door. Sarah opened the door just as I went to ring the doorbell and we all said our hellos as she invited us in. Just inside the front door was a tall, regal looking man with gray framing his face glasses that made him look very scholarly. It fit the professor stereotype I'd had brewing in my head ever since Sarah told us he taught History at the College of William and Mary.
"Hi, I'm Devin," he said, offering his hand to Declan first, before turning to me.
We all finished our introductions and made our way to the living room. Declan took a look around, and I know he was looking for Connor.
"We thought we'd talk to you for a moment privately before we brought Connor in, if you don't mind," Devin said.
"Absolutely not. Like I told Sarah, we're willing to do whatever is necessary to make this work. I spent the last seven years unaware of his existence. The only thing I want right now is to know him." He weaved his fingers in mine as sat down across from Sarah and Devin in the living room.
"As Sarah told you, Connor's had a bit of a rough time since Heather died. No one blames him for this. It's normal and necessary, I think. He's grieving, and I know with all the other changes in his life, it will take time for him to adjust. We're doing everything we can, but he's still in so much pain."
"And he will be, forever. It will never go away," I chimed in, suddenly embarrassed by my outburst.
"Sounds like you're coming from experience Leah?" Sarah said.
"Yes and no. My mother left me when I was seven. So the loss I can relate to. The circumstances are different, but the loss similar and I can tell you it never goes away. It's a festering hole that never completely heals. You can find ways to cope...ways to move on, but it will always be there. A dull ache in your side that reminds you of the immense loss."
"How can we help him then?" she asked quietly.
"Honestly? Just be there for him. When I was growing up, the one thing I wanted, begged God for every night was a parent who would just hold me at night while I cried. Pretty soon the pain will dull and he'll be able to wake up in the morning and her face won't be the very first thing he thinks about, maybe the second or the third...and eventually he will be able to go on with life. But until then, all you can do is let him talk when he needs to and hold him when he'll let you."
Declan squeezed my hand in silent support and leaned down to kiss my cheek. As he did, he whispered ever so softly, "I love you" in my ear. My sexy bad boy who wore leather and whispered sweet endearments in my ear. He really was my perfect match.
After that, we went over a few housekeeping things about Connor. He was allergic to peanuts and hated fish. So seafood was out. He also had a serious movie obsession, and loved reading. Declan's ears perked up at the mention of movie obsession, wanting to know what types.
"Um, all sorts really. He loves old black and white films, campy eighties movies, and anything with Ironman of course."
Declan laughed, and shook his head like he couldn't quite believe he had something in common with his child. Just wait until he saw him.
"Well, Declan...are you ready?"
He glanced at me and I gave me a small encouraging smile. "Yes, we're ready."
~Declan~
There were certain moments in life when I felt like I needed to hold my breath and close my eyes, so I could properly capture the magnitude of what I was experiencing.
I wished I'd fully captured the first time I saw had seen Leah —, sitting in that bar, her eyes meeting mine. I'd had no idea how much my life was about to change. If I could have bottled up that memory, savoring it for eternity, I would have.
When Sarah moved to the bottom of the stairs and called Connor's name, and I heard him running to the top of the stairs, I knew this was one of those moments. I'd had so few in my existence, but I knew this was a big one. I wished I could freeze-frame everything —the emotions, the feel in the air, and the anticipation —so I could always know what it felt like in this exact moment. The only other time I'd felt like this was when I had stood in Leah's father's kitchen right before I'd told her I loved her.
My heart hammered in my chest, and I felt like I could pass out from how fast my breaths were moving in and out of my lungs. In the next few seconds, I knew that my life would change.
It sounded like a herd of elephants were coming down the stairs, and it made me smile. My mom used to scream at me for stomping down the stairs when I was a kid.
I turned just in time to see him round the corner, and my heart froze in my chest. His eyes...shit, Leah was right. Even from a distance, I could see the resemblance to my own. It was like looking in a mirror. Everyone had always said my eyes were so unique...but not anymore. They had been cloned in this kid. The rest of him was like staring at a mash-up of Heather and me —or at least, what I remembered of Heather. He had my hair color, but his skin was fair like Heather's. I was always on the tan side, but Heather had always been light in complexion. He had several features that came from Heather, but overall, it was like looking at a younger version of myself.