I err on the side of friendliness, reaching out for a quick, short hug, his hands touching my hair briefly.
“Hey there to you,” Dave says.
“Good to see you again.”
I sit down on the bench. He follows suit. I reach for my iPod, tucking it safely away in the small lime green vinyl purse I switched to for the date. The purse is covered in yellow lettering listing “hello” and “goodbye” in a smattering of foreign languages. It’s my date purse. This purse hasn’t gotten any action in years.
“Were you just bopping out on your iPod?” Dave asks.
Bopping out?
But at least we have the iPod icebreaker to get the conversation going. “Billie Holiday. I love the classics. I’m kind of a retro girl.” I gesture to my shirt.
He nods a couple times. A thoughtful look descends on his face, like he’s considering what I just said. “I gotta admit, I’m pretty good with music. But you stumped me right there. I don’t know him. What does Billy boy sing?”
“No, no. Billie’s a girl. Billie’s a lady actually. You know Lady Day, first lady of jazz?” I say to prompt him, trying to jog his memory. I’ve got to believe the gears in his brain simply sputtered for a moment, hit a tiny roadblock. He’ll get back on track, I tell myself. So I keep going. “You know she sang You Go To My Head, Embraceable You, These Foolish Things?”
He shakes his head a few times and lets out a deep breath. “Damn. You just really got me there. Who does she sound like? Katy Perry? Rihanna? Beyonce?”
“Love those ladies, but yeah, I’m gonna have to say none of them.”
So what if we don’t have the same taste in tunes? It’s not the end of the world. Focus instead on his firm, sculpted body. “So, did you have to work today?” I ask. Meters, after all, can be violated on weekends too.
“No, but I did take a training class this morning.”
I brighten. I love to learn new stuff. “What did you learn?”
“It was fascinating.” He leans forward on the bench, closer to me. His eyes really are magnetic. They’re like the color of a clear blue sky, a sapphire even. “You see, there are sections of the city that are moving to resident-only parking during certain times of the day, but at other times of the day, other people, not just the residents, can park there too. But on weekends, you see, it’s only the residents. But during the day, like, anyone can park there. So it’s just really, you know, it’s just you need to focus on when the cars are illegally parked and when they’re not.” He furrows his brow.
I nod a few times, waiting for him to explain the part of this that seems so complicated to him. Dave closes his eyes for a second, squeezing them shut, repeating a mantra, “Residents only – only residents can park. Other times – anyone can park.” He opens his eyes and breathes out. “Yep. Yep. Sometimes I need these little sayings to help me remember.”
“Like a mnemonic device.”
He purses his brow. “Like pressurized air and stuff?”
I shake my head. “No, that’s pneumatics,” I say, pausing for a moment to tuck my hair behind my ears. “You know, it’s like a memory aid?”
“A memory aid!” He’s excited, delighted at the idea. “That’s great. That is exactly what I need.”
“Well, that’s what a mnemonic device is. It’s like ROYGBIV to help you remember the colors of the rainbow.”
“This is so great!” He slaps his thigh in excitement. “Where do I get one of those?”
I breathe in, trying to center myself. Focus on his eyes. Focus on his biceps, his belly, his pecs. Focus on anything other than what’s coming out of his mouth. A good body can cover up a lot of flaws. A centerfold physique can mask a poor intellect, I try to tell myself.
“Yeah, you don’t buy them. It’s just something you use, a saying, for instance, to help you remember.”
“Cool beans.”
“So, Dave, what’s next after being a parking meter attendant?”
His eyes light up. “You know, I think I’d really like to be a parking consultant.”
“Really?” I’m going to need to just zero in on his eyes and hair right now. Wait, I have a better idea. I’m going to think about him without a shirt because that may be the only way I will make it through this date. “What does a parking consultant do exactly?” I ask, resting my arm on the back of the bench and pretending Dave is taking off his shirt. That’s right, one sleeve off, then the other, then the shirt goes over your head.
“You know, I’m like not entirely sure, but I just gotta think there’s a need for someone, like a real expert to consult on parking matters.”
Just toss that shirt on the ground right now. “Oh sure, parking matters. That’s gotta be huge.”
His eyes light up. “You think so?”
“Definitely,” I fib. Just undo that belt buckle next and maybe the button on your jeans too. “Huge demand for parking consultants.”
“Yeah, so maybe, I could get an office and start a web site.”
“Absolutely,” I say enthusiastically. Now just stand up and unzip those jeans and loosen them. Yep, drop them on the ground. “And advertise your services too,” I add, keeping him going.
He snaps his fingers and tosses his head back, amazed at my seeming brilliance. “Like on billboards around town. That is such a great idea!”
Oh it is, indeed, so just stand there now for a minute in your snug black boxer briefs and let me gaze.
“Hey, what are the colors of the rainbow? That ROYGBIV thing?”
The words that come out of his mouth are a gigantic buzzkill. So I put his clothes back on. The jeans come up, now they’re zipping, the button is going back in its button hole, the shirt comes back down over his oh-so-wonderfully sculpted abs – I feel a momentary pang as I say goodbye to them – and then I mentally tuck his shirt back in.
He’s not Chris. He’s not even close. I can’t even undress this guy in my imagination. Call me crazy, but I want the complete package. Brains, humor, looks, hands and tongue and lips that turn me inside out, and most of all, a kind heart.
“Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet.”
* * *
“How can I put this tactfully? He wasn’t exactly playing with a full deck, know what I mean?” I state as I take another drink of my Purple Snow Globe, a new drink Julia is testing out on me at her home away from home, Cubic Z in the SOMA neighborhood where she tends bar. It’s got raspberry juice, gin and sugar crystals on the rim.