Bitterblue (Graceling Realm #3)(68)
Author: Kristin Cashore

Bitterblue ran into the foyer, then stopped as Thiel came rushing out of the sitting room. He stopped too, at the sight of her. His arms were ful of papers and his eyes were wild and heartsick and ful of shame. He locked those eyes on her face.

Bitterblue stood in her tracks. "How long have you been lying to me?"

He spoke the words in a whisper. "As long as you have been queen."

Bitterblue cried out. "You're no better than my father!" she said. "I hate you. You've crushed my heart."

"Bitterblue," he said. "Forgive me for what I've done and for what I must do."

Then he pushed through the doors and was gone.

Chapter 38

SHE RAN INTO the sitting room. The fake crown lay on the carpet and Death's pages were gone.

She ran back into the foyer and pushed through the outer doors. She was nearly to the end of the corridor when she turned back, ran past her own startled Lienid Guard, and pounded on Giddon's door. Pounded again and again.

Giddon pull ed the door open, rumpled and barefoot and clearly only half awake.

"Wil you go to the library," she said, "and make sure Death is safe?"

"Al right," he said, bleary and confused.

"If you see Thiel," she said, "stop him and don't let him go.

He's learned about the journals and a thousand things have happened and I think he intends to do something terrible, Giddon, but I don't know what it is," and she ran.

SHE BURST INTO the lower offices. "Where is Thiel?" she cried.

Every face in the room stared back at her. Rood stood and said quietly, "We thought he was with you, Lady Queen. He told us he was going to find you and talk to you."

"He came and left," said Bitterblue. "I don't know where he went or what he intends to do. If he comes here, please don't let him go. Please?" she said, turning to Holt, who sat in a chair by the door, staring at her dazedly. Bitterblue grabbed Holt's arm. "Please," she pleaded. "Holt, don't let him go."

"I won't, Lady Queen," said Holt.

Bitterblue ran away from the offices, not reassured.

SHE WENT TO Thiel's room next, but he wasn't there either.

The air in the great courtyard, when she reached it, stabbed her with its coldness. Members of the Fire Guard were running in and out of the library.

Bitterblue rushed in after them, ran through smoke, and saw Giddon on the floor leaning over Death's body. "Death,"

she cried, running to them, throwing herself down, her sword clunking on the floor. "Death!"

"He's alive," Giddon said.

Shaking with relief, Bitterblue hugged her insensible librarian; kissed his cheek. "Wil he be all right?"

"He's been knocked on the head and his hands are scraped up, but that seems to be all . You're all right? The fire is out, but the smoke is still thick."

"Where's Thiel?"

"He was already gone when I got here, Lady Queen," said Giddon. "The desk was in flames and Death was lying on the floor behind it, so I dragged him away. Then I ran to the courtyard, screamed for the Fire Guard, and stole some poor fel ow's coat to beat the fire down. Lady Queen," he said, "I'm sorry, but most of the journals were destroyed."

"It doesn't matter," Bitterblue said. "You saved Death." And then she looked straight at Giddon for the first time and cried out, for ragged gashes scored his cheekbone.

"It was only the cat, Lady Queen," he said. "I found him hiding under the burning desk, stupid creature," and Bitterblue threw her arms around Giddon.

"You saved Lovejoy."

"Yes, I suppose," said Giddon, sooty and bloody, his arms ful of the tearful queen. "Everyone is safe. There, there."

"Wil you stay with Death and watch over him?"

"Where are you going?"

"I've got to find Thiel."

"Lady Queen," he said, "Thiel is dangerous. Send the Monsean Guard."

"I don't trust the Monsean Guard. I don't trust anyone but us.

He won't hurt me, Giddon."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do."

"Take your Lienid Guard," Giddon said, looking seriously into her face. "Wil you promise me that you'll take your Lienid Guard?"

"No," she said. "But I'll promise you that Thiel will not hurt me." She pull ed his face down and kissed him on the forehead as she had Death; then she ran.

HOW SHE KNEW, she couldn't say, but she did.

Something in her heart, something underneath the pain of betrayal and, in fact, more fundamental, told her. Fear told her where Thiel had gone.

She did have the foresight, as she flew under the castle portcul is onto the drawbridge, to stop before one of the astonished Lienid Guard who was less loomingly tal than the others, and demand his coat.

"Lady Queen," he said as he shouldered out of it, helping her into it, "you'd best not. The snow is working itself up to a blizzard."

"Then you'd better give me your hat and gloves as wel ,"

she said, "and then go inside to warm yourself. Did Thiel come this way?"

"No, Lady Queen," the guard said.

He'd taken the tunnel, then. pulling on the hat and gloves, Bitterblue ran east.

THE STAIRS THAT led pedestrians onto Winged Bridge were built into the side of one of the bridge's great stone foundations. Stairs with no railing, in a wind that couldn't decide on a direction, in deep shadow as the clouds packed themselves tight.

Big footprints marked the new snowfal on the steps.

Fishing under her too-big coat, she unsheathed her sword, feeling stronger with it in her hand. Then she lifted her foot and placed it into Thiel's first footprint. Then the next step, then the next.

At the top of the stairs, the surface of the bridge shone blue and white, and the wind screamed. "I'm not afraid of heights!" she screamed back at the wind. It touched some deep inner current of courage to scream that lie, so she did it again. The wind screamed to drown her out.

Through the fall ing snow, she could make out a person standing far ahead on the bridge. The bridge was a narrow, slippery hil of marble that she must climb in order to reach the form that was Thiel.

Thiel was at the bridge's edge. He grabbed the parapet with both hands and suddenly Bitterblue was running, sword in hand, screaming words Thiel could not hear. The surface beneath her thudding feet changed to wood, with more give, a hol ow sound, snow sticking, and he hoisted his knee onto the parapet and she pushed herself, pounded, reached him, screaming, grabbed his arm and yanked him back. Crying out in amazement, losing his balance, he reeled back onto the bridge.

Pushing herself between Thiel and the parapet, Bitterblue whipped her sword point to his throat, not caring that it made no sense to threaten a person with bodily harm who was trying to kill himself. "No," she said. "Thiel, no!"

"Why are you here?" he cried, tears streaming down his face. He wore no coat and shook with the cold. The wet snow matted his hair down and made his features stand out sharply, like a living skeleton. "Why am I able to spare you none of this? You weren't meant to see this!"

"Stop it, Thiel. What are you doing? Thiel! I didn't mean what I said! I forgive you!"

He backed away, crossing the width of the bridge as she followed with her sword, until his back was to the opposite parapet. "You cannot forgive me," he said. "There is no forgiveness for what I've done. You've read his words, haven't you? You know what he made us do, don't you?"

"He made you heal them, so that he could keep hurting them," she said. "He made you watch him as he cut them and raped them. It wasn't your fault, Thiel!"

"No," he said, his eyes growing wide. "No, he's the one who watched. We're the ones who cut them and raped them. Children!" he cried. "Little girls! I see their faces!"

Bitterblue was paralyzed with dizziness. "What?" she said, understanding, all at once, the final truth. "Thiel! Leck made you do the hurting?"

"I was his favorite," Thiel said, frantic. "I was his number one. I felt the pleasure when he told me to. I feel it when I see their faces!"

"Thiel," she said, "he forced you. You were his tool!"

"I was a coward," he cried out desperately, against the wind. "A coward!"

"But it wasn't your fault! Thiel. He stole who you were!"

"I kill ed Runnemood—you see that, don't you? I pushed him off this bridge to stop him hurting you. I've kill ed so many. I've tried to make the memory end, I've needed it to go away, but all of it only gets bigger and more impossible to control.

I never meant it to grow so big. I never meant to tell so many lies. It was supposed to end. It never ends!"

"Thiel," she said, "there is nothing that cannot be forgiven!"

"No," he said, shaking his head, shaking the tears from his face. "I've tried, Lady Queen. I've tried, and it won't heal."

"Thiel," she said, sobbing now. "Please. Let me help you.

Please, please, come away from the edge."

"You're strong," he said. "You will make things better; you're a true queen, like your mother. I stood here while your mother burned. When he lit her body up on Monster Bridge, I stood right here and watched. I was there to honor her passing. It's right that no one will honor mine," he said, turning around toward the parapet.

"No," she said. "No, Thiel!" she cried, grabbing at him, dropping her useless sword, will ing some part of her, some extension of her spirit or soul to reach out from inside her and entwine him, stop him, hold him on this bridge. Hold him here safe with her love. Stop struggling, Thiel. Stop fighting me. No, stay here, stay here! You will not die.

Prying her fingers away, he pushed her so hard that she fel to the ground. "Be safe, Bitterblue. Be free of this," he said to her. Then he grabbed the parapet, hoisted himself onto it, and fel over the edge.

Chapter 39

SHE LAY FAR above rushing water.

Maybe he had pretended. Maybe he'd walked away while her eyes were closed, changed his mind, gone back home.

No. He hadn't pretended. Her eyes had never closed. She had seen.

IT WAS NECESSARY that she no longer be on this bridge. Of that, she was fairly certain. But she couldn't walk, because the bridge was too high in the air for walking on.

What if she stayed here? What if she clung to a memory of a cold mountain, of Katsa's body giving her heat, of Katsa's arms holding her safe to the earth?

Crawl, she could crawl. There was no shame in crawling when one couldn't walk. Someone had said that to her once. Someone— "Hey."