Memories were part of what I kept secured in the dam around my heart.
Jules watched me expectantly.
“I remember,” I whispered, hoping that would be the end of it.
“And you and I would store those spiky chestnuts, and we’d throw—”
I slammed my hand down on the table, startling her. “Sorry. I … don’t remember as much as I used to.”
She shook her head. “You’re lying. You just don’t want to remember.” She could still read me so well. But she wasn’t sympathizing. By cutting her off, I could see I’d crossed some sort of line. She frowned. “And I can only think of two reasons you don’t want to remember. Either you don’t know how to face what happened … or you feel guilty.”
It was as if I were sitting in front of her completely transparent. I looked away, out the window. A lot of time had passed, and people were now trickling out of Harry O’s.
I couldn’t face her anymore. “I have to go.”
Suddenly she latched on to my hand. “Becks. If you know where he is … you have to do something.”
“But—”
“Just promise me. If you know what’s happened to him, even if it’s bad, you have to tell someone. Do you hear me?” Her voice shook with emotion. “No more lies.”
I opened my mouth but couldn’t answer. So much for thinking Jules believed me. She knew I was hiding the truth from everyone. She knew I was responsible for Jack’s disappearance. She knew I was lying.
She lowered her eyes, slapped some bills on the table, and left without another word. Everything she said had added weight in my chest. I sat in the booth for a long time, staring at the checkered pattern on the plastic tablecloth, willing myself to get up.
When I finally stood, I crossed the street as the last few stragglers trickled out of the club. Cole was inside. And he held my only chance for getting Jack back.
Please, Cole. Please give me hope.
EIGHT
NOW
The Surface. Harry O’s.
As I walked in, the lingering smell of sweat and beer hit me in the face. A tall guy behind the bar eyed me. “Are you Nikki?”
I looked from side to side. “Um … yes.”
“Follow me. Cole’s in the back.”
Cole must have known I’d be here. I took a deep breath and followed the bartender back behind the stage and through a small hallway that led to a beat-up wooden door marked GREEN ROOM.
The bartender knocked three times. I read some of the messages carved into the door.
LB + TK + FR = AWESOME TRIFECTA
Before I could decipher what it meant, the door opened and Gavin’s face appeared. The last time I’d seen the Dead Elvises’ drummer was when I was sneaking around trying to figure out what was so special about the Shop-n-Go. He’d almost caught me there. “What?” he demanded.
Then he recognized me.
“Oh.”
He closed the door, and a few seconds later it opened again and Gavin walked out, followed by Oliver and lastly Max. I watched them, quiet.
Max paused as he passed by. He leaned down to talk to me, and I remembered how much taller he was than Cole. “Nik, be gentle. Cole was doing so much better until that stunt you pulled last night. Don’t screw him up again.”
I looked at him incredulously. “Me screw him up?”
Max just walked away. Cole had destroyed six months of my life, most of my soul, and the boy I love, and Max was worried about me hurting him?
Okay, so maybe some of that had been my own doing, but still.
I went inside and shut the door behind me, feeling more riled up by the second. Before I turned around, I heard an intake of breath.
“Nik,” Cole said. “Those boots. You do care.”
Turn around, Becks. Turn around. Why was it so hard to be in the same room with him? I took a deep breath and faced him. He was sitting on the corner of an old brown leather couch. It was worn in the center seat, where a large chunk of leather was missing. His guitar sat beside him like a constant, faithful companion; and he flipped a guitar pick over the knuckles of his fingers, passing it from finger to finger like he always did.
I must have been staring at the pick, because Cole froze it midflip, then tossed it into the palm of his other hand and held it out to me. “It’s not what you think it is.”
“I think it’s a pick,” I said, even though I knew what he was talking about. I’d never look at a pick again without wondering if it was Cole’s heart.
He cocked an eyebrow. “But the look in your eyes was murderous. Do you have a thing against guitar picks, or were you hoping I’d be stupid enough to still carry my heart around with me?”
Cole watched my reaction carefully, deliberately taking a sip from a water bottle. The last thing I wanted to talk about was my feeble attempt to kill him moments before Jack disappeared.
“Yes,” I said.
He leaned back in the sofa and put his hands behind his head. “There’s the old Nik. No ‘How do you do,’ no talk of the weather. Just a good swift kick to the balls.”
“A kick to your balls is an option?”
He frowned. “Now, that doesn’t sound like you.”
“People change.”
“Not you. Not that much.”
“You don’t know me.”
He scoffed. “It always amazes me when you so easily dismiss the fact that we were together—from cheek to toes, literally together—for a hundred years.”
“I don’t want to talk about that,” I said, my voice cracking.
“I know.” He took a breath and flipped his guitar pick again. “I chased you for six months, and now suddenly I can’t get rid of you. Please sit.”
I crossed the room and sat on the farthest corner of the couch.
He shifted to face me. “What can I do for you?”
“You lied to me, Cole.”
He frowned and didn’t answer. But he didn’t seem surprised.
“Why didn’t you tell me it was possible?” I said. “That an Everliving escort can help mask the energy from a human.”
He shrugged. “It wasn’t pertinent information.”
“Not pertinent?” I gave a deranged little laugh. “How is it not pertinent?”
“Even if you could hide from the Shades, there are other creatures in the Everneath that would like nothing more than to drain a human. We don’t even know where the Tunnels are hidden. And that still wouldn’t be our biggest problem.” I was about to protest, but he held up a finger. “Let me finish.” He shifted on the couch so he was facing me. “What do you think is keeping Jack alive right now?”
“That’s easy. Me.”
“It’s not just you.” He leaned over and pressed his finger to my forehead. “It’s what’s inside your head. It’s because you are intact that you have the strength to keep him alive. In the Everneath, the longer you’re there, the more you’ll begin to lose your mind. You won’t dream, you’ll forget why you went there in the first place, and no amount of words from me will help you remember.”
“I’d never forget Jack. I was with you for a hundred years, and his face never left me.”
“Yes, but you forgot everything else. I bet you even forgot his name.”
I didn’t disagree.
“That’s why I didn’t tell you about the escort. I would never be able to convince you how quickly you’ll forget.”
I looked down at the woven rug at our feet. He was right. During the Feed, I’d only remembered Jack’s face. It wasn’t until I’d reached the Surface again that I remembered all of him. “But this time you won’t be Feeding on me. It will be easier for me to remember.”
“Nik, it doesn’t work that way. I won’t be Feeding on you, but the entire Everneath will be. It’s a place of imbalance, constantly draining those with hearts”—he gestured toward me—“and constantly Feeding those of us without hearts. If you aren’t an Everliving, my world will drain you. And the first thing to go will be your memories.”
“I don’t care.”
He cocked his head at this.
“I don’t care, Cole. I don’t even want my memories now. And at least then I could say I tried. At least I wouldn’t be sitting here, helpless on the Surface, trying to find comfort in memories, while the boy I love is dying a slow death all for me.”
At the word love, Cole looked away.
“And if I lose my memory, and it’s so far gone that it will never come back … well …”
“Don’t tell me you think that’s okay.” His voice was gruff. “You do realize that if you forget him completely, he will die. Tell me you know this.”
I blinked a few times, trying to block the coming tears. “He’s dying anyway. I have to go to the Everneath. Nothing will stop me.”
He ran a hand through his hair, making it stick out in a couple of places. “Well then, Nik, you aren’t factoring in one very important thing.”
“What’s that?”
“That I’m not going with you.”
NINE
NOW
The Surface. Harry O’s.
Cole’s words hit me like a fist to the chest, but I was stupid to have expected a different reaction.
His face had become blank, without emotion. “I’d never do it.”
I stood up. “Why? It’s nothing to you. It’s just a trip to your own world. You wouldn’t have to do anything. You just have to come with me.”
“You’re partly right.”
“About what?”
“It’s nothing to me.”
I could feel my face crashing. I sat down on the couch again, speechless.
“Jack is nothing to me. Saving him is nothing to me.”
“But—”
“And it’s not just another trip to the Everneath, because you are a liability. Just because you decided you’re not going to become an Everliving doesn’t mean you’re not still a threat to the queen. You survived the Feed. That changed you, even though we don’t know exactly how. The change was permanent. If the queen knew you existed …”
“She’s already seen me.”
“Yes, but she doesn’t know who you are.” He leaned forward and put his elbows on his legs. “She doesn’t know a Forfeit survived the Feed. If she knew, she wouldn’t waste time with the Tunnels. She’d rip you apart.”
I tensed. Cole saw it.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “You’re safe here. But I’m not about to parade you around under her nose. Why would I risk angering the Shades and the queen to help you?” He grimaced. “What do I get for a grand prize on the tiny chance we do succeed? You and Jack, together. There’s nothing in it for me, Nik.”
I watched his face closely. And it cracked. Only a little, but I knew he was holding something back. Something strong. But just as I noticed, the crack disappeared again. Maybe I had imagined it, but I pounced anyway.
“You’re a better person than this. You’re a better person than you think you are.” I grabbed his hand. “You told me that I had changed you. But it’s not just me. You have a good heart.”
He frowned, a wary look in his eyes. “I don’t have a heart.”
“You do have a heart. Maybe not one that beats, but you have one that defines your soul. And so what if up until now your soul’s been a bit on the darker side? This is your chance to redefine your soul.”
He took his hand away and rolled his guitar pick over his fingers, averting his gaze. “I told you a long time ago, I’m not a hero.”
“But—”
“You should go, Nik.” He stood up, walked over to the door, and opened it wide. “Go somewhere and wait it out. That’s your only choice.”
I stayed where I was.
“Nik, I said go.”
“No.”
In a quick move, he stomped over to me, grabbed me by the shoulders, hoisted me off the couch, and nearly threw me toward the door. “It’s not a request.”
He didn’t give me a chance to recover my balance. With one hand around my waist, he lifted me off the ground, careful not to hurt me but tight enough that I couldn’t put up a fight.
Before I knew it I was out the door and he was slamming it in my face. I tried to open it again, but he had already locked it.
I pounded on the door. “Cole! Please!” But there was no sound from the other side. I put my ear against the door, hoping to hear any sign that Cole would open the door back up.
But there was nothing. So much for Cole claiming I had too much control over him.
I had no influence over him at all. I raised my fist to pound again, but the bartender suddenly appeared in the hallway. He folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the wall, watching me.
I dropped my hand and walked away. How had things turned upside down so quickly? I was tracking down Cole, and he was throwing me out of his room. A few months ago I would’ve considered my behavior reckless.