It happened with these bouts of magic. I’d barely been able to drag myself out of bed when I’d brought Jill back. The toll of wielding so much life was just too great, and the mind crashed from the high. Well, mine did. Lissa didn’t have these dramatic ups and downs. Hers was more of a steady darkness that lingered with her for a few days, keeping her moody and melancholy until it lifted. Sonya had a mix of both effects.
My little brooding artist, Aunt Tatiana used to say with a chuckle when I got in these moods. What’s gotten into your head today? She’d speak fondly, like it was adorable. I could almost hear her voice now, almost see her standing there beside me. With a shaking breath, I closed my eyes and willed the image away. She wasn’t here. Shadow-kissed people could actually see the dead. Crazy people only imagined them.
I ate my pizza standing at the counter, telling myself over and over that this mood would pass. I knew it would. It always did. But oh, how the waiting sucked.
When I finished, I returned to the living room and stared at the paintings. What had seemed wonderful and inspired now seemed shallow and stupid. They embarrassed me. I gathered them all up and tossed them into a corner on top of one another, not caring about the torn canvas or wet paint.
Then I hit the liquor cabinet.
I’d made good progress on a bottle of tequila, sprawled on my bed and listening to Pink Floyd, when the bedroom door opened a couple hours later. I smiled when I saw Sydney. I was adrift on the buzz of tequila, which had effectively muted spirit and taken the edge off that terrible, terrible low. That wasn’t to say I was bright and peppy either, but I no longer wanted to crawl into a hole. I’d defeated spirit, and seeing Sydney’s beautiful face lifted me up even more.
She smiled back and then, in one sharp glance, assessed the situation. The smile vanished. “Oh, Adrian” was all she said.
I held up the bottle. “It’s Cinco de Mayo somewhere, Sage.”
Her eyes made a quick sweep of the room. “Is Hopper celebrating with you?”
“Hopper? Why would—” My mouth snapped shut for a few moments. “Oh. I, uh, kind of forgot about him.”
“I know. Maude sent a message by way of Ms. Terwilliger asking if someone was going to come for him.”
“Crap.” After everything that had happened with Rowena, my dragon fosterling had been the last thing on my mind. “I’m sorry, Sage. Totally slipped my mind. I’m sure he’s fine, though. It’s not like he’s a real kid. And like I said, he’s probably loving it.”
But her expression didn’t change, except to grow graver. She walked over and took the tequila from me, then carried it to the window. Too late, I realized what she was doing. She opened the window and dumped the rest of the bottle outside. I sat up with a jolt.
“That’s expensive stuff!”
She shut the window and turned to face me. That look drew me up short. It wasn’t angry. It wasn’t sad. It was . . . disappointed.
“You promised me, Adrian. A social drink isn’t a problem. Self-medicating is.”
“How do you know it was self-medicating?” I asked, though I didn’t contradict her.
“Because I know you, and I know the signs. Also, I sometimes check up on your bottles. You made a big dent in this one tonight—much more than a social drink.” I nearly pointed out that technically, she was the one who’d made a big dent in it.
“I couldn’t help it,” I said, knowing how lame that sounded. It was as bad as Angeline’s “it’s not my fault” mantra. “Not after what happened.”
Sydney put the empty bottle on the dresser and then sat beside me on the bed. “Tell me.”
I explained about Rowena and her hand and how the rest of the day’s events had unfolded. It was difficult staying on track with the story because I kept wanting to meander and make excuses. I left out the part about despairing over birthday gifts. When I finally finished, Sydney gently rested her hand on my cheek.
“Oh, Adrian,” she said again, and this time, her voice was sad.
I rested my hand over hers. “What was I supposed to do?” I whispered. “It was like Jill all over again. Well—not quite as bad. But there she was. She needed me, and I could help—then when she noticed, I had to make sure she forgot. What else was I supposed to do? Should I have let her break her hand?”
Sydney drew me into her arms and was silent for a long time. “I don’t know. I mean, I know you couldn’t not help. It’s who you are. But I wish you hadn’t. No . . . that’s not right. I’m glad you did. Really. I just wish it wasn’t so . . . complicated.” She shook her head. “I’m not explaining it correctly. I’m no good at this.”
“You hate that, don’t you? Not knowing what to do.” I rested my head against her shoulder, catching the faint scent of her perfume. “And you hate me like this.”
“I love you,” she said. “But I worry about you. Have you ever thought about . . . I mean, didn’t Lissa take antidepressants for a while? Didn’t that help her?”
I lifted my head swiftly. “No. I can’t do that. I can’t cut myself off from the magic like that.”
“But she felt better, right?” Sydney pushed.
“She . . . yes. Kind of.” I had no problems with “liquid healing,” but pills made me squeamish. “She did feel better. She didn’t get depressed. She didn’t cut herself anymore. But she missed the magic, and so she stopped the pills. You don’t know what it’s like, that rush of spirit. Feeling like you’re in tune with every living thing in the world.”
“I might understand it better than you think,” she said.
“It’s more than that, though. She also stopped because she needed the magic back to help Rose. What if I needed it back? What if it was you who was hurt or dying?” I gripped Sydney’s shoulders, needing her to understand my desperation and how much she meant to me. “What if you needed me, and I couldn’t help you?”
She removed my hands and held them between hers, her face tranquil. “Then we deal. That’s what most people do in the world. You take your chances. I’d rather have you stable and happy than risk your sanity on the slim chance a concrete block will fall on me.”
“Could you sit by if you had the ability to help someone?”
“No. Which is why I’m trying to help you.” But I could see the conflict in her, and I understood her anxiety.
“No pills,” I said firmly. “This won’t happen again. I’ll try harder. I’ll be stronger. Have faith that I can do this on my own.”
Hesitating, she looked as though she might keep arguing the matter, but at last, she nodded in resignation. She drew me down to the bed and kissed me, even though I knew she didn’t like the taste of tequila. The kiss managed to be both tender and intense, and it reinforced that connection between us, that burning sense I always had that she was made for me, and I was made for her. I showered her with kisses, wishing I could do a lot more than that. Surely if I could just drown myself in her, I’d never need alcohol or pills of any kind.
But despite her quickened pulse and the heat in her eyes, things didn’t progress much more than they normally did. And as usual, I didn’t pressure her. She might not agree with Alchemist policies, but she’d still held on to a lot of their personal habits. Conservative clothing. No drinking. I didn’t actually know where premarital sex fell in there, but since a lot of them tended to be religious, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she adhered to that too. It had never come up between us. I figured if she was ready, she’d let me know.
“I have to go,” she said at last. “I’m only supposed to be out buying toothpaste. It was a boring enough errand that Zoe wouldn’t want to come.”
I brushed wayward golden strands away from her face. “Clarence’s tomorrow night?”
She nodded. “Wouldn’t miss it.”
I walked her to the front door. She did a double take at the ruined paintings but didn’t say anything and kept her expression neutral.
“I mean it,” I told her. “I’ll try.”
“I know,” she said. That earlier look of disappointment in her eyes still haunted me.
“I can be strong,” I added.
She smiled and stood on her tiptoes to kiss me goodbye. “You already are,” she murmured just before she disappeared into the night.
CHAPTER 4
SYDNEY
THE TEARS DIDN’T START UNTIL I WAS WELL AWAY from Adrian and back in my car. I drove to Amberwood with blurred vision and wet cheeks, feeling more useless than I had in a long time. Forgetting about Hopper wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but what about next time? Spirit made its users do crazy things. They hurt themselves. They killed themselves. That was what scared me, and I wanted to control the situation before it controlled us. And that, as Adrian had astutely pointed out, was what really ate at me: my helplessness to come up with an immediate solution. It wasn’t a feeling I had very often.
I couldn’t stop spirit from ravaging Adrian, and I couldn’t condemn him for that gut instinct to help others. It made my heart ache, thinking of that burning kindness within him that so few ever saw. The only thing I could do was be there for him and encourage him to draw upon the strength I knew he possessed. Maybe he couldn’t defeat spirit permanently, but I knew he could put up better resistance against falling back on his old habits to cope. There had to be healthier ways to survive, and I believed without a doubt that he had the self-control and willpower to enact them. I just wished he believed that as well.
I parked in Amberwood’s garage after diligently seeking a spot between two other properly parked cars. Honestly, how hard was it for people to park between the lines? My Mazda was still shiny and new, and I feared dents and dings. My last car, a brown Subaru named Latte, had been spectacularly blown up by foam, courtesy of an evil witch who’d been after Ms. Terwilliger. After Neil and Zoe had increased our numbers, the Alchemists had ordered that Latte’s replacement be a seven seater. This CX-9, dubbed Quicksilver for its paint, was the sexiest SUV crossover I could find. Adrian told me I was one step away from being a suburban mom in a minivan.
I’d calmed down by the time I reached my dorm room but couldn’t help a few sniffles in my pillow. Zoe, who I’d thought was asleep, spoke through the darkness.
“Are you upset about Mom and Dad?”
“Yeah,” I lied.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “They won’t take me away from him.”
I pretended to fall asleep.
I felt back in control when I woke the next morning, particularly because I had a task at hand. Ms. Terwilliger, good to her word as usual, had made midday arrangements for me to visit Inez, the witch that the other Stelle had regarded with a mix of both amusement and nervousness. As far as Zoe was concerned, I was going off on a research trip to a university library in San Diego.
“Why are you always off doing stuff with her?” Zoe asked. She stood in front of our mirror, brushing her long brown hair into a ponytail.
“She’s my teacher, and it’s part of my independent study with her.” I was sifting through my drawers for something to wear, and my hand lingered on a purple T-shirt that had a silvery Celtic-style heart with flames trailing from it. Adrian had made it for me, sort of as a joke, but it had become one of my most prized possessions. “Besides, I’ve pretty much already taken every other subject with Dad. This is my only interesting class.”
“I suppose.” She sounded unconvinced and then abruptly brightened. “You’ll tell them that, right? In court? About how thorough Dad’s education was? That’ll go a long way.”
“I’m sure it will.” I smiled stiffly as I shut the T-shirt drawer and moved to my closet for something more formal. I didn’t know much about Inez, but if she was some venerable elder, maybe I should show extra respect. I opted for a black pencil skirt and long-sleeved white shirt covered in black dots. A small wooden cross with morning glories painted on it, courtesy of Adrian, was my only accessory.
Zoe frowned. “You’re wearing that to a library?”
“It’s a prestigious one,” I said evasively. “I should be back in time to go with you guys to Clarence’s, but if not, Eddie will take you. Ms. Terwilliger’s driving me, so you can have Quicksilver.”
“Thank God,” she said with a shudder. “You can’t imagine what it was like in Adrian’s car. I had to sit right next to Jill.”
After rooming with Zoe for a month, I’d grown surprisingly immune to her commentary and found it was easier on everyone if I just didn’t react, even when her comments were extreme by Alchemist standards. “And don’t forget to stop and pick up dinner this time.”
“It’s not our job to remind them,” she protested.
“Our job is to make sure Jill gets to Clarence’s and that life runs smoothly for everyone. Those ‘family dinners’ are a nice way for everyone to destress and get along. It’s not a big deal to grab something to go. You should do Chinese,” I added decisively. “They haven’t had it in a while.” Also, Adrian had mentioned a craving for kung pao chicken the other day.
“Do you ever wish we had a cooler car?” Zoe asked unexpectedly.
I started laughing. “Yes, but the mission trumps our car choices right now. I didn’t know you thought about that kind of stuff.”
She sat down on her bed, and a mischievous smile played at her lips. “Hey, I grew up in the same place as you. Do you remember when Mom worked on that Jaguar at our house? That was a cool car.”
“Of course I do.” A surge of affection welled up in me as I regarded her. “But you were . . . what? Eight? Nine?”