When he pulled out a piece of paper, my heart stubbornly skipped a beat. It was one last love note from Kellan, a remnant of the game he'd left for me when he first went away, what felt like a lifetime ago now.
Denny opened it while my eyes watered. He read over it for a moment before he handed it to me. In a soft voice, he said, "I think this was meant for you."
Hands shaking, I reached out for the paper. Blinking away the water forming in my eyes so I could read it, I held my breath.
I hid this one in the hopes that you would find it long after I'm gone. I hope you find this months from now, when I'm still out there, on the road, away from you. I can't imagine what the time apart has done to us. I'm hoping we're closer. I'm hoping we're more in love than ever. I'm hoping that when I come back, you'll move in with me. In all honesty, I'm hoping that when I come back you'll agree to marry me someday. Because that's what I want, what I dream about. You, mine, for the rest of my life. I hope you feel the same...because I don't know what I would do without you. I love you so much. But, if for some reason we're not closer, if something has gotten between us, please, I'm begging you...don't give up on me. Stay. Stay with me. Work it out with me. Just don't leave me...please.
I love you, always, Kellan
Chapter 20
Oh My God
After Denny left, I went to bed with that note clutched in my fingers. I knew Kellan had written it back in the fall, before things had shifted between us, but it did comfort me. He'd known, even back then, that something might possibly distance us while he was on the road. He'd known, and begged me in advance not to leave him. And I didn't want to. I wanted him. I wanted the life he'd mapped out on paper. I just wanted to trust him too.
My phone rang by my bed early the next morning. Still clutching the letter in my slow-to-respond-fingers, I fumbled with the noisy contraption, managing to hit the answer button just before it switched to voicemail.
A warm voice filled my ear. "Happy Anniversary."
I smiled and rolled onto my back, imagining the dark blue eyes that accompanied the voice. "You don't have to keep telling me that every time you call, Kellan."
He sighed, the soft sound almost overshadowed by the squeak of a mattress compressing. "I know, but I still feel really bad that I missed it, that I couldn't fly out to you. A year together is a big deal, and I really wanted to see you...but stuff kept coming up..."
I bit my lip. He'd said before that it was things for the new record that had come up. Just when he'd thought he'd get away, the record label would come at him with a new form he had to sign or some amendment to the contract. They also wanted to formally approve every song before they'd consent to having it recorded. Kellan wasn't thrilled with the fact that a corporation had final say over his music, but making an album was expensive, and the studio had to make sure they were getting the best bang for their buck. Fiscally it made sense, but it also made the process of getting ready to record that much more complicated. Especially since they wanted all of the songs signed off on before the group came out to L.A. in May. That didn't give Kellan and the guys a whole lot of time.
I understood all of that...but I'd really wanted to spend my anniversary with my boyfriend, not a bottle of Nyquil. "You had good reason, Kellan, I understand. Besides, I was pretty sick anyway, and you did send me flowers."
I smiled, thinking of them in the other room, but Kellan sighed again. "Yeah, flowers you didn't get on time. I'm really sorry about that. I was sure I'd find you at Pete's on a Saturday night."
Now I sighed. "It's okay, Kellan, it's not a big deal."
"It is to me, Kiera. I'm really sorry it's turned out this way. I'll make it up to you...someday...I promise."
Shifting to my side, I laid my head on my arm. A moment of silence passed between Kellan and I. A moment that began to fill with tension, as I thought of all the blocks there were between us, physical ones and emotional ones. Squeezing my hand holding the paper, I whispered, "I found your letter last night, the one in the couch."
Silence, then a mattress squeaking as he adjusted his position as well. "Oh...and?"
I heard the uncertainty in his voice, like he thought maybe he'd gone too far, openly admitting that he wanted to marry me. Maybe he thought I didn't want that for us. Maybe he thought I was still hoping to marry Denny one day, since that had been our unofficial plan. "You really see that future for us?"
"Yeah, I do, Kiera...all the time. Do...do you?"
"Yeah." Remembering the fears I'd confessed to Denny last night, fears that Denny had solidified in me by his silence, a thought began to override my answer. With my head screaming at me, if you think he's cheating on you, Kiera, then he probably is, I quickly added, "Maybe...someday."
As Kellan absorbed my seemingly lukewarm answer, the awkward silence on the line grew even bigger. Hating the tension that was forming in my stomach, I whispered, "I miss you."
His response came in a rush. "I miss you too. I know we saw each other a couple of weeks ago, but it wasn't enough, not nearly enough... I really miss you."
Hearing the melancholy in his voice, I scrunched my brows and bit my lip. "Kellan? You...okay?"
My heart started beating faster as I waited for his answer. Even though he only paused for a few seconds, it seemed like an eternity. "Yeah...just exhausted. I never realized how...taxing this would be. Always on the road, always away from home, always having to deal with...people. I know it's early for you and you probably want to go back to sleep, but could you stay on the line for a bit? I'm feeling... I just want to listen to you breathe for a while."
Sympathy for him rushing through me, I wished I could put my arms around him, squeeze him tight...kiss him. "I don't have anywhere to be but right here with you, Kellan."
I heard rustling sounds as he exhaled contently. "Good, I love you, Kiera. It seems like forever since I've held you, since I've made love to you."
I flushed a little, then remembered it had been a while...Christmas Eve to be exact. "It has been forever, Kellan." Hoping and praying that my last time had also been Kellan's last time, I swallowed. In the silence I heard another squeak of a mattress. "Where are you?" I asked, ice prickling my skin that maybe he was calling from a hotel room...and not his.
He let out a sensual noise of contentment. "On the bus, in the back bedroom. All the guys are gone, so I snagged Griffin's bed." He laughed a little. "I just couldn't spend another moment in that tiny bunk."
Picturing him somewhere that Griffin did...Griffin-type things in, I grimaced. Then, picturing him sleepily sprawled out on a bed, I smiled. A rush of desire tingled me and I whispered, "So...you're alone? Completely alone?"
"Yeah...why?"
Dropping his letter to my bed, I covered my eyes with my hands. God, I could not ask him to be intimate with me over the phone, I just couldn't. But, we were getting farther and farther apart...I felt it. And maybe a moment of reconnection was exactly what we needed right now.
Flaming hot to the touch in my embarrassment, I squeaked out, "I want to... Will you...?"
As my throat dried up and speech became impossible, Kellan quietly asked, "What, Kiera?"
Keeping my eyes tightly closed, I shifted onto my back and pretended that I was Anna. She'd have no problems asking Griffin to have sex over the phone. Oh, God, I really wished I hadn't just had that thought. Sighing at myself, I forced the words to come out. "I feel like we're drifting, Kellan, and I just want to feel closer to you. I-"
Kellan cut me off. "I'm sorry, Kiera. I feel like that's my fault. I just...I...I should... We should talk about... God, this is hard..."
My eyes watering, I shook my head. No, I didn't want him to break my heart right now. I wanted him to make me feel better. I wanted him to make me feel like we were completely in sync, completely in love, and completely devoted to each other. I wanted to feel worshipped again, even if it was just for this one moment.
"No, don't, Kellan. I don't want to talk right now. I just want you to make me feel good..."
His end went silent, then, "Kiera, are you asking me to... do you want me to make love to you?"
I groaned a little as his words went straight through my body. I knew that I was using sex as a diversion, like he sometimes did. I knew that I was sidestepping our issues, and I also knew if I pushed right now, really pushed, I could probably get him to be honest with me. But...I wasn't ready to hear his sins. And it had been so long and I missed him...so much. If we could just pretend...
"Yes," I whispered, my voice husky. "Make me feel it, Kellan...make me feel like your wife..."
"Oh, God, Kiera...I want you so much..."
I ran my hand over my body, over the places he liked to touch. My breath quicker, I whispered, "I don't know what to do, Kellan."
He groaned in my ear, the sound sending a jolting ache right through me. Keeping my eyes tightly closed, I found that I could easily imagine that my hand was his. Especially with his voice in my ear, guiding me. "Take your shirt off, baby. I need to run my tongue over those beautiful br**sts..."
It was a half an hour later before he finally let me have the explosion my body had been craving. He'd kept me on the edge, tantalizing me by telling me exactly where to go, what to touch. And he always said he was doing it, so I didn't feel stupid or self conscious. Although, I stopped caring about that about five minutes into it. Really, I stopped caring about that when he started touching himself. And his voice when he came... God, it was still ringing in my ears.
Panting into the phone, it took me a minute to register that he was talking to me. "Hey, you still there?"
He chuckled a little bit and I felt that embarrassment start to slide back in. I pushed it away though. "Yeah, sorry." I laughed a little too. "I got a little distracted there."
He purred in my ear-a delicious sound. "Yes, I know. God that was incredible, Kiera...you were incredible."
Not feeling like I'd really done anything special, I murmured, "Are you sure that was okay? That was definitely a first for me..."
He sighed and laughed. "Uh, considering I haven't come that hard on my own in a long time...yeah, that was perfect. And...a first for me, too."
That startled me so much, I sat up in bed. "You've never had phone sex before?"
I flushed at asking him that so bluntly, but he only chuckled at my response. "No...why do you sound so surprised?"
I sucked on my lip, remembering the heated words he'd used to stoke my body, remembering him urging me to do whatever felt good. At the time, it had all seemed so natural coming out of his mouth that I'd have believed he got paid professionally to do it. He probably could. I guess being an overly sexual person did have its bright spots.
"Because you were amazing..."
"Amazing, reall-?" He cut off what he'd been about to say and instead swore.
I bunched my brows. "Kellan? Everything alright?"
Sounding like he was moving in a hurry, he murmured, "Yeah, it's just...the guys came back. I have to go...clean up. Sorry."
A flood of heat rushed to my cheeks, picturing what he probably looked like right now. I wrapped the blankets around my bare body, feeling embarrassed at just the thought of being walked in on in that position. "Oh, okay, I love you."