One foot in front of the other. Get the hell away from here and all the emptiness it holds.
My mother starts yelling at us as she follows us through the house, saying mean things about me and Ella, and she even tries to take the dress away, telling me that neither one of us is worthy of having it, not when we looks so trashy. That’s it. She can take jabs at me because I’m used to it, but not at my friends. It’s ridiculous and pathetic. As we reach the entryway, I whirl around and threaten her with the one thing I know will make her stop.
“Walk away, Mother, or I’ll tell everyone your secrets,” I warn in a low tone, walking toward her. I get in her face, surprising her and myself. “I will make sure everyone knows just how great of a person you are outside and inside.” I smile as she frowns, her face draining of color, and inside I do a pleased dance.
“Watch your mouth.” Her voice trembles, but her face is subdued.
“Oh, I will.” I let out a sharp laugh. “I’ll watch it as I walk around announcing to anyone who will listen just how great you and Dad are behind closed doors.”
I’m putting her worst fears out there. Part of me wants to keep going, slap her across the face, tell her how worthless she is, beat her down like she’s done to me for years, but I don’t want to turn into her either. Ella and I walk out of the house and I make a silent vow to myself that I will never, ever return, not to her, my father, that lifestyle, or the pills. There’s nothing there for me. Never has been. Now that my head is finally clear, I can see that now. See what I want.
I want a life of my own.
Chapter Eighteen
Lila
After we drop the dress off at Ella’s house, we change into nicer clothes and then I take her out to a nightclub as a sort of bachelorette party. I asked her if she wanted anyone else there, but she told me no and that besides Micha, I was really the only person she wanted to hang out with at the moment. The nightclub isn’t as fancy as the ones I’m used to, tucked in a corner of a run-down neighborhood, but the entrance fee was cheap and they have two-dollar Jell-O shots.
“Are you okay?” Ella calls out over the loud, booming music, crossing her legs as she spins back and forth in the barstool. She has on a short green dress and her hair is down and curled at the ends. She keeps getting texts from Micha and each one brings this lovey-dovey look to her eyes that I envy and want. “You seem really sad.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” I have a backless white-and-black dress on that hits halfway above my knees. It looks really fancy but I actually bought it at a discount store.
She takes a sip of her drink, looking uncomfortable. “Because of your mom?”
I shrug and sip my fruity drink. I promised myself I wasn’t going to drink that much, but I’m walking in dangerous territory right now, having just got done with my mother and the fact that I haven’t heard from Ethan since we had that awkward, rushed conversation. “Yeah, but I don’t really want to talk about it if that’s okay.”
She flips her hair over her shoulders and fans her hand in front of her face. There’s no air conditioning inside the club and there are way too many people in the compacted area. “Okay, what do you want to do then?” A devious grin appears on her face as she slams back the Jell-O shot. “Talk about Ethan?” She slams the little plastic cup down on the counter top.
I shake my head. I haven’t been trying to think too much about Ethan and the phone call. I keep trying to tell myself that he’s probably just having a hard time. I mean, it has to be hard seeing someone you care about who can’t remember you at all.
“I don’t want to talk about him either,” I tell her, stirring my drink.
Ella sucks the last of her drink down, gagging as she swallows the alcohol piling up in the bottom beneath the ice. “Why not? You never used to be so closed off about guys. In fact, you told me stuff about Parker that I really didn’t want to hear.”
“Ethan’s different from Parker.” I shrug as memories of what happened with Parker surface, but I swiftly shake them away. “Besides… I don’t know… I think that maybe Ethan and I should just be friends.”
Her forehead furrows as she props her elbow on the countertop. “Why?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I worry he might not be as into me as I’m into him.”
Ella muses thoughtfully over this with a trace of a smile playing at her lips and a drunken look in her eyes. “You think so?”
I tilt my head to the side, studying the strange look on her face. “You know something, don’t you?”
“I know a lot of things.” She spins around in her stool so she’s facing the packed dance floor. “Like the fact that Ethan has never ever talked about a girl so excessively until you.”
I rotate around in my stool, too, leaving my empty glass on the counter. “When has he ever talked about me?”
She smiles, the glow of the lights on the dance floor shining across her face. “For, like, the last month. Micha says he hasn’t stopped talking about you.”
“He’s probably saying what a pain in the ass I am,” I say. “I’m sure I’m driving him crazy, living with him.” Plus all the drama I’ve brought into his life.
“He’s both complained and gushed,” she remarks, making an exaggeratedly swoony face and then rolls her eyes. “Would you quit worrying? Jesus. You’ve never been like this with guys before. Usually you don’t give a shit.”
“I don’t give a shit,” I lie, but it comes out so pathetic sounding that I give up and just say the truth. “All right, you know what, you’re right. I do worry about how Ethan feels about me, but I also haven’t felt this way about a guy before.”
“What way?” she asks with interest, leaning in so she can hear me over the music.
“I can’t tell you yet because I need to tell him first.” I give her a halfhearted smile. “Now can we please have a subject change, perhaps something that doesn’t have to do with me and my life?” I thrum my fingernails on the counter. “Like maybe you could tell me what had you all teary-eyed back at my house.”
Her expression falls as she takes a deep breath and then, shaking her head, she grabs my hand and tugs me toward the dance floor. “Come on, let’s dance and have some fun,” she says, steering us through the crowd.
She’s acting weird and I wonder why, but I decide to let go of both of our problems and have fun. I laugh as I trip in my heels and push my way to the center of the dance floor. I start shaking my h*ps and spinning in circles, enjoying the moment, but in the back of my head something is on my mind that I continue to grow restless over. Ethan. I can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve never been so consumed by a guy before. Not even with Sean. With Ethan it’s so much different. For one thing, I know him, more than I know any other guy who’s breezed in and out of my life. He’s a good guy, sweet, even though he pretends otherwise. He’s been there for me, more than anyone else in my life. What if he doesn’t want me how I want him? Will I turn to pills? I’m not sure what the answer is to that and it’s kind of scary. However, there is a thin spot of hope left. I haven’t run to the pills again, even when I was in my mother’s house and knew I had full access to them. It makes me feel sort of strong and confident.
Ella suddenly lets out a deafening squeal as a guy rushes up behind her and wraps his arms around her waist. When he swings her around I see it’s Micha, and he’s laughing as she works to catch her breath. It’s the first time I’ve seen him since he moved away. I remember how sexy I thought Micha was when I first met him. He had these striking aqua eyes and this really soft-looking sandy-blond hair. His lip was pierced, too, and I remember thinking how I’d never kissed a guy with a lip ring before and the idea of doing so felt like I would be doing something naughty, like I was slumming it with a bad boy. Then I saw how he looked at Ella, the love in both their eyes, although Ella wouldn’t admit it, and I knew there was no way I’d ever be able to even so much as hit on Micha. I remember how bummed out I was about it because I was heading home and I really did feel like doing something with a guy who was different from the other guys I hooked up with. Then I met Ethan and I remember thinking how hot he was and how much I wanted to hook up with him. I figured I’d get drunk, have sex with him, and return home feeling numb and content. The problem was Ethan wasn’t like the guys I normally hooked up with and he wouldn’t sleep with me. He insisted he’d only be friends with me.
“Hello, Lila.” Micha grins at me and then kisses Ella’s neck. “How have you been?” he asks between peppering Ella with kisses.
She shivers into his touch. “Stop, that tickles,” she protests through laughs, but I can tell by her expression that she likes it.
Micha bites at her neck and laughs when her eyes close and she protests more. He gives her a soft, loving kiss on the cheek, and then his eyes focus on me. “You look good, Lila, especially the hair. I like it.” Micha has always had this charming way about him. Ella said that before her he slept with a lot of girls and I can see why. Still, so has Ethan and he is anything but charming. In fact, he’s very blunt most of the time and I guess that can be sexy, too, since it worked on me.
“Thanks,” I shout out over the music as I touch the tips of my hair. “It was an impulse cut.”
He winks at me. “A good impulse cut. It works on you.”
I smile, glancing at Ella as she gets this weird look on her face, not looking at me but over my shoulder.
“Could you tone down the dazzling, man.” Ethan’s voice rises over my shoulder and the second the sound touches my ears heat, want, self-doubt, and excitement rush through my body. “Seriously, can’t you turn it off for, like, two seconds? It’s f**king ridiculous.”
“I’m not doing anything,” Micha replies in an innocent tone. “Besides giving her a compliment.”
“Whatever,” Ethan says and then his hands touch my waist.
I pretty much die of a heart attack. My heart is acting insane, crashing against my chest, like it wants to flee. I tilt my head back and look over my shoulder at Ethan. “I thought you weren’t coming here until tomorrow?”
His expression is unreadable, his eyes dark, his hair all messy, and he’s starting to get a five o’clock shadow. I love the look on him, but the reluctance in his eyes makes me wary. “Can we go somewhere and talk?” he asks.
“I…” I look back at Ella, who nods and motions at me to go ahead. I turn back to Ethan, who’s trying to smooth the wrinkles out of his gray shirt. “I guess I can.”
He smiles, but there’s worry behind it, and suddenly my mind flips on, running about a thousand miles a minute. He’s just seen his ex-girlfriend. What if it turns out he still loves her? What if he’s come to tell me this? What will I do? Break? The idea of going back to pills seems so easy and yet at the same time so hard. The idea of going back to that girl who relied on medication and sex to make her feel better almost makes me sick. I don’t want to be her. I want to be the Lila who’s been developing over the last month: the pill free, clear-headed one, who can live without money or fancy clothes. The one who felt every part of the experience with Ethan and didn’t feel ashamed or worthless.