Bree and I looked at each other and started walking for the door. Mom and Nana had their own day out planned and gave us strict instructions not to come back until the earliest, ten. Thirteen hours away from the house, and away from Chase's things. I had to take a few deep breaths before continuing out the door. Brandon sat in the back with me, but stayed against the door on his side and I was glad for it. I appreciated how he'd been there for me since last Saturday morning, but I was afraid with how much I'd fallen into his arms during my emotional break downs, he would think I wanted him physically closer to me all the time.
Other than the music that was turned down low, the car ride to the beach was completely silent. We trudged towards the shore, Bree and I continued walking until we were a few feet from the tide while Konrad and Brandon set down the blanket and stood waiting for when we came back.
“I'm sorry I checked out Bree, I haven't even asked how you're doing since the funeral.”
“I'm dealing,” she sniffed and wiped at her cheeks, “you?”
I thought about that for a few minutes, “I'm really not sure. I thought I preferred being numb, but I can't live that way forever. Even after this short time since you and Brandon rescued me, I can see how bad it would be for me to continue on like that.”
“Chase wouldn't want us to be like this.” she grabbed my hand and echoed Brandon's words from earlier, “It's going to hurt for a long time, probably forever, but you know he'd kick our asses if all we did was sulk.”
I cried out a small laugh and squeezed her hand tighter.
“We need to try to move on Harper, for him.”
“Then that's what we'll do.” I sighed.
Konrad took Bree for a walk when we joined back up, and I settled onto the blanket with Brandon.
“Brandon?”
“Hmm?”
“Don't take this the wrong way, but why are you here?”
His face fell slightly, “Do you want me to leave?”
“No. No, of course not. But you should be in Arizona, you should be dating again. Not here comforting the girl that broke your heart.”
“I told you last weekend –”
“I know what you said, but I can't be anything more than your friend Brandon. You should be out finding someone that will make you happy.”
“Harper.” He sighed and lay back on the blanket, one arm behind his head, the other draped across his stomach where his shirt had ridden up.
“You have no idea how much I appreciate you being here, but I can't do this to you.”
“If you don't want me around, then I'll leave Harper. But not because you think you're holding me back from something.”
“What about Arizona? What about your mom and Jeremy? You need to go home.”
He glanced over at me, then back to the sky, “I was going to tell you that morning in the kitchen, before the day went to hell. They moved out here to be closer to my Dad's side of the family.”
“So they're here in San Diego?”
“Carlsbad. Mom bought a house and shipped everything here over the last month, once Jeremy's school year ended, they moved.”
“Oh.”
“Look Harper, if all you want from me is a friend, then that's what I'll be. But you need me, I'm not going anywhere.”
I leaned back on my elbows and closed my eyes, letting the rays soak into my skin, “I need you to live your own life.” I whispered.
“I am.” he rolled over and got on his knees, leaning over me. “This is where I want to be, I need you too.”
He softly kissed his way from my forehead, to my temple, to my cheek and finally my neck before his whole body went rigid and he sucked in an audible breath. Getting up, he shrugged out of his shirt and started toward the ocean. I tried not to look at him, but my eyes betrayed me. While he walked towards the water I admired the muscles that stretched across his strong shoulders and arms. He was far enough away now that I couldn't be sure, but I thought I saw some more tattoos, and frowned when I saw a large bruise on his waist spreading to his back. Not that I had a right to know anything about his life anymore, but I hadn't known he started again. I'd never asked him to stop fighting when we were together, but I think my freak out after the fight that had landed him in the hospital had pushed him to quit. After walking out a ways into the water, he dove under some waves and tread for a few minutes before coming back to shore and the blanket.
“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.”
I knew what he was apologizing for, though I didn't want him to. I couldn't handle him pressing his lips to me again either, but I hadn't responded to the kisses, and he knew we could only be friends. “For cooling off? You should be, it's hot out today and I don't have a suit.” I turned to look at him, his face was guarded, but his eyes were thankful.
“We can go stand in it, if you want?”
Bree and Konrad were still nowhere in sight, and it was actually really warm today. “Okay.” I stood up and headed out, thankful Bree had picked out shorts for me today, that way I could go in a little further without soaking my clothes. “Oh my God, it's freezing!” I screeched and back away. “I change my mind, it's not that hot out.”
Brandon grabbed my hand before I could make it far and slowly pulled me back into the water. I squealed again when it hit my ankle but bit the inside of my cheek and kept going.
“Still bad?” He grinned and I almost lost myself in that smile. I hadn't seen him smile wide enough for his dimple to show in a very long time, I was glad for it now.
My teeth chattered and I nodded my head vigorously, I started to wrap my arms around my waist when I felt something, “Ha! I don't think he likes it much either.”
“What's he doing?”
“Come here.” I put one of Brandon's hands on my stomach and watched his face over my shoulder. His strong chest and abs were pressed against my side and I allowed myself to relax into him. My gummy bear continued on his kick boxing lesson for a few minutes, and I smiled at feeling him move inside me. I'd been so out of it, I hadn't even been paying attention to if he moved.
Brandon continued to stare at my growing belly, his hand slowly moving so the kick hit perfectly into his hand each time. “I think you're wrong.” He said softly.
“What do you mean?”
“I'll bet he's happy you're in the water. He's gonna be a little surfer when he gets older.” He smiled sweetly at me.
“Oh is he now?” I touched the other side of my stomach and spoke, “Hate to burst your bubble little guy, but Mommy doesn't know how to surf. Sorry.”
“I'll teach him.”
My heart kicked up in pace, this conversation with the way we were positioned was now too intimate. Brandon must have realized it as well because he dropped his hand and stepped back a few feet.
“So,” he said breaking the silence, “you said you think he'll be early?”
“Yeah. Did I tell you the Doctor said he was measuring big and developing quickly?”
Brandon nodded.
“Well there's that, and I mean, I know everyone's bodies respond differently to pregnancy, but I'm a lot bigger than I'm supposed to be. I'm afraid I'm gaining too much weight.”
“You still look perfect, nothing about you has changed except for your stomach growing out.”
“But I looked at pictures of other expecting mothers, and I'm as big as the women that are twenty eight weeks. And that was when I looked over a week ago when I was only twenty two weeks. I didn't even really look today,” I frowned when I realized how long it'd been since I paid attention to what was going on with my gummy bear. I didn't even know where my What To Expect book was anymore, “but this shirt is tighter than it was...I think I wore it the day before the funeral.”
“Harper, I promise you look beautiful. I honestly think you've looked more beautiful over the last couple months than I've ever seen you. And that's saying something. You're probably just going to have a big baby, I mean Chase was over six feet, it makes sense. Just be glad your son won't be short like you.”
I laughed, and it felt so good to laugh I wish it would have gone on longer. “Jerk.” I socked his arm pathetically. “I'm average height...kinda.” Brandon loved how small I was, since my body fit perfectly into his when we curled up with each other. But that didn't stop him or any of the other guys from constantly making fun of me and Bree for being short. It wasn't my fault Brandon was over a foot taller than me.
He held his hands up in mock surrender, “Just saying. Can you imagine having a boy that small? Girl, sure, but not a boy.”
“I guess you're right.” I smiled and reached out to interlace my fingers with his, immediately dropping my hand to my side when his look made me realize what I was doing, “I'm kind of tired, I'm going to take a nap.”
Brandon stared at me with an expression I couldn't name before he sighed and turned toward the beach, “I'll come with you.”
I stood there, heart aching, “This is why we can't do this. I can't be around you without slipping back into how we were.”
“I want –” He breathed heavily through his nose and dropped his head, fists on his narrow hips. “Harper,” he began again, turning to face me and stepping close, too close, “that should tell you something.” His big hands curled against my cheeks and I had to force my head not to respond.
When he was standing this close, I couldn't think clearly. Covering his hands with my own, I pulled them down and stepped away, “I can't Brandon,” tears started falling down my cheeks, “I can't handle this. Not right now.” He just died. The father of my baby just died. It didn't matter if I loved Brandon too, that would be a slap in the face to Chase's memory and his family. I started back up the beach and when I spotted Bree and Konrad watching us, took off running towards them.
Bree hugged me fiercely, when I pulled away she gave me a knowing look. I didn't ask what she thought she knew, just helped them fold up the blanket so the four of us could go out to eat. Brandon didn't touch me again, other than to hug me goodbye late that night. It hadn't been awkward during lunch, the movie or dinner, we still spoke and laughed with Konrad and Bree, we were just aware of that invisible line we had to make sure we didn't cross.
14
The front door shut and my heart started racing. I forced myself to remain calm and slowly finish getting ready for the day, but my body was aching to go downstairs. Brandon had come over every day since operation Get Bree and Harper Out of the House two weeks ago, and I’m reluctant to admit I craved the hours he was here. He tried to give me space by spending a good chunk of time with Konrad, Bree and Mom, but whenever I would glance up, his eyes would be on me and I always seemed to gravitate toward him. Having him near made my days better and chest lighter, as soon as he left for the night I’d struggle with anxiety until I could curl up in Chase’s old bed and grip one of his shirts that smelled like him. I felt pathetic, but I was getting a little better each day. We all were.
“Harper, you decent?”
My breath whooshed out of my body and I gripped the vanity counter. That voice. God, that voice was like home to me. “Yeah, I’m in the bathroom.”