This afternoon I even stopped by before my session. I knew she was working, but when I went into the store, all she did was hand me three pieces of taffy and began helping another customer.
I took the taffy and walked out.
They were burning a hole in my pocket, but she had taken the joy from that stupid habit. I had resorted to chewing the hell out of toothpicks and eating lollipops like it was my job. I needed something in my mouth, and I knew if I stopped eating candy or sucking on things, I would revert back to old habits, especially with the stress of Alyssa on my chest.
“When’s the first session?” I asked, twiddling the toothpick between my fingers.
“Tomorrow night.”
“What do I say?”
Mrs. Murray smiled and handed me a packet. “Everything’s in here. You’ll do great, I promise.”
“What if I would have said no?” I took the packet from her hands.
Mrs. Murray shrugged. “Let’s just say I know you better than you know yourself.”
“And that’s not a creepy thing for a shrink to say…”
I scratched my head and opened up the packet. Worksheets tumbled out, as well as nametags for the members to fill out. It reminded me of my AA group info I used to take back home a while back.
“Trial run?” I pleaded, giving her my best smile, making sure to remove the toothpick so the full force of my dimples was present.
She arched an eyebrow and shook her head. “Nope. You either commit now or I find someone else.”
Damn the woman drove a hard bargain. “Fine.” I cursed.
“But no autographs, no picture taking, and I swear I’ll sue the first person who says anything about my personal life.”
“Easy.” Mrs. Murray pulled out another piece of paper.
“Every member has to sign a gag order. If they talk about you or each other, they’ll be liable.”
“Good.” I took the paper and thrust it in the folder with the rest of my papers.
“Ten minutes,” Mrs. Murray reminded me. “But you can leave early if you like, take some time to go over the information.”
I didn’t want to admit that I was waiting for Alyssa. But Mrs. Murray had her Jedi mind tricks. “She switched session times, Demetri.”
I laughed bitterly and clamped down on the toothpick.
“Right.”
Mrs. Murray stood, meaning it was my cue to leave. I took the papers and put them under my arm.
“Demetri?”
I stopped and turned around.
“For what it’s worth, I think you’re good for her.”
I licked my lips and looked down at the ground. “Nah, I’m probably not good for anyone, but I wanted to be good for her. I wanted it really bad.”
“You still can be.” Mrs. Murray placed her hand on my shoulder.
I shook my head. “You can lead a horse to water, Doc…”
She tilted her head in agreement, and I left.
**** By the time Saturday night came around, I was a nervous wreck. I read through some of the profiles of the group members, mainly just information on their ages and stuff. But there was a picture next to each name, and that stupid picture made me nervous as hell. It meant I had to talk to a person about things I hated talking about.
What if nobody showed?
What if nobody cared?
Or worse, what if they just came to make fun of me? I had nothing to offer them.
I pulled the lollipop out of my mouth and focused on the door, willing people to come in. Mrs. Murray had decided to have me host the group meeting at my house instead of hers. She thought it would feel less professional.
I looked around at the modern furniture and expensive touches. Well, it felt less something.
Throwing up was not an option, but my stomach kept doing flips.
I put the sucker back in my mouth and focused on the watermelon flavor as it trickled down my tongue.
The doorbell rang. I nearly dropped my sucker.
This was it.
I walked to the door and opened it.
A man, who seriously could have been Bob’s twin, walked in. Tattooed sleeves covered both his arms. He wore a beanie and looked like it would bring him the greatest pleasure to end my life.
“Hi.” I choked, nearly dropping my sucker again. “I’m Demetri.”
The girl at his side sighed and leaned against him.
“Holly,” the guy grumbled and pulled her flush against him.
They looked like they were about the same age as I. I opened the door farther. The guy grunted and pushed his way in.
“Make yourselves at home,” I grumbled.
I was just about to make a run for it when another voice said, “Hi.”
I turned toward the door. The guy from the aquarium stared at me like he wanted to kill me as well. Perfect. I was going to witness my own murder in my house. Awesome. Thanks, Mrs.
Murray. Not what I had in mind, but thanks. At least it will be quick by the looks of the other guy I just let in.
“Sam.” I cleared my throat and stepped aside, letting him in.
“Thanks, Demetri.” Was he mocking me? Because it sounded like he was. I clenched my fist.
“No, problem, man. Grab a soda or snack or whatever. I left stuff out. I mean, you don’t have to eat, but if you’re hungry…” I bit my lip and cursed. “Never mind. Just…” I waved into the air.
Maybe the big dude would kill me early. One could only hope.
Laughter erupted from the living room the minute Sam stepped in. How was I supposed to facilitate a group about grief when every single member hated me or wanted to stab me with the closest pointy object?
I crossed my arms and leaned against the wall.
“Hey,” a familiar voice said from the door.
I opened my eyes. “Lyss. I mean, Alyssa. You came.” I hated that I was flashing the most ridiculous grin known to mankind.
She shrugged. “Parents made me.”
Of course. It had nothing to do with me. I mustered up the last ounce of confidence I had and nodded my head. “Well, I’m glad they did.”
Her eyes narrowed.
“Anyway, I’m just waiting for one more. Go ahead and make yourself at home.”
Alyssa walked by me so fast I nearly got windburn. Great.
Would I get no admirers? If this was some sort of trick in order to humble me, Mrs. Murray had another thing coming.
I was already pathetically humble.
Too humble, if you asked me. Loss had a way of doing that to you. It stripped every ounce of confidence you ever had, not only in yourself, but in the people around you.
I waited for five more minutes. Mrs. Murray called earlier that day to say we had another member. Apparently, he was a last minute addition. That was all the information she gave me. And now he was late.
The laughter grew louder from the living room. I was being a chicken. I wanted to stroll out my front door and walk headfirst into the ocean.
Playing at the Grammy’s had been easier than this.
I gave myself a pep talk and walked into the living room.
Directly into silence.
I cleared my throat and sat on the recliner, the only available seat, and nodded toward the coffee table. “As you can see, we have some name tags here, so everyone can get to know your name.”
Everyone grumbled in unison as I threw out markers for them to grab and use to write their names.
I was winning nobody over, that much was clear.
Well, hopefully I wouldn’t get in trouble. I was about to break a lot of rules. I wrote my name down and began talking.
“So, I’m your group facilitator…” Several eyes darted away from me. Eyes that held pain, doubt, insecurity, fear. God, how I knew what it was like.
Here went nothing. “I used drugs and alcohol to numb my loss and nearly killed myself, not to mention several others, in the process. I’m an ass. I’m a man-whore user, who, up until last year, slept with anything that looked at me. I used hard earned money to buy drugs and thought nothing of getting others hooked right along with me. Until I met someone… and everything changed. I would like to say it’s because of me that I changed. But clearly, I’m an idiot and an ass, and it took way more than just my own diminishing conscience to get clean. But in all of my bad choices I learned something valuable.” I cleared my throat; you could hear a pin drop in the room. Sweat pooled in my hands. “I learned that sometimes it’s okay to let others help you. Sometimes it’s not going to be you who takes that first step. It’s going to be the person who isn’t too scared to push you. The person who doesn’t care that they may lose you as a friend. I know that by myself I can never be strong enough to break free from the cycle I put myself in. And I’m okay with leaning on others. By the way, I’m Demetri, your group leader.”
The big dude, who earlier looked like he wanted to kill me, got up from his seat. Crap, this was where he was going to walk out.
I watched him tentatively as he made his way over to my chair and stuck out his hand. “I’m Aaron, and it’s great to meet you, Demetri.”
I felt my eyes widen just slightly. I grasped his hand and shook it firmly. “Nice to meet you, Aaron.”
“Holly.” The girl who had arrived with the bigger guy smiled warmly and held out her hand.
“You know who I am.” Sam waved from across the coffee table. His eyes flickered downward and then back up at me before giving a nod. The type of nod guys give other guys when you finally decide they’re cool enough to possibly hang out. At least he didn’t want to run me over with his car anymore.
All heads turned toward Alyssa. I knew it was a small town.
No doubt everyone in this room was aware that I had been pursuing the girl like some lovesick high schooler who’d never kissed a girl before.
I waited for her to say something. She wrote her name down on the piece of paper and smiled at everyone but me. In fact, her eyes quickly darted past me as she greeted the group. “I’m Alyssa.”
“I know you from school,” Holly said. “I mean, you were in a class below me, but it’s good to see you.”
Alyssa blushed and nodded.
Aaron pulled Holly tighter against him and kissed her forehead.
“Now that that’s out of the way…” I leaned forward. “I think it would be good for all of us to state why we’re in grief group. I’m not going to spout any crap about the circle of trust or anything, but you’re all aware you’ve had to sign gag orders, so everything that’s said inside this house, stays here. Are we clear?”
I was a little shocked that I had taken control so completely.
My voice seemed strong, confident, and crazy as it sounds, once I made that little statement, I felt that way. I felt like I was doing exactly what I should be doing.
Heads nodded in my direction.
“Good.” I leaned back. “Who’s going to go first?”
“I will,” a voice said from behind me. All eyes flickered up to meet the intruder. I turned around and greeted the guy. He must have been about nineteen, maybe twenty by the looks of him.
“Sorry.” He shrugged and offered a smile. “I knocked and then some huge dude answered the door and told me you guys were already starting.”