Her voice drifted up, over, and around him. Simplicity and truth and elegance in those three little words. Stone held her tight, but his throat closed up and there was nothing to say.
“I know you don’t like it. Maybe you don’t even believe me. I know it’s fast and complicated and messes up a great affair. I’m not even asking for the words back. But I love you. Every part, good and bad. I love your big heart, and your crankiness, and your loyalty. I love your work ethic, and the way you deal with the world, and the way you look at me. I just love you.”
Half-naked, still inside her, her musky arousal rose to his nostrils like the sweetest of perfumes. Stone closed his eyes and spoke.
“The night my father pushed my mother down the stairs, I found out she was pregnant. It was supposed to be a surprise. She hit the fifteen-week mark, and when I got home from school, she took me aside and told me I’d have a brother or sister.”
He paused in the shattering silence. Then continued. “I was so happy. Things had been good for a while, and I thought my father would change once he heard. I was so lonely that I fantasized about having a sibling to take care of. To talk to at night. I imagined we’d be close, and it would be us against the world. I swore that day I’d protect the baby. But that didn’t happen. Instead, he came home drunk that night and went at my mom with a baseball bat. Said she was keeping secrets from him and thought she was having an affair. She told him about the pregnancy, but he didn’t believe her. Too late anyway. I tried to stop him, but she fell and broke her neck and lost the baby and I didn’t have anyone anymore.”
Something eased in his chest as the words spilled forth. Her arms held him tight, and he buried his lips in her hair, and it wasn’t as bad as he had thought it would be. No one had ever known about that part. And he’d decided if it was his own secret, the pain and guilt would just go away. He couldn’t protect his mother or the unborn baby. He couldn’t protect anyone.
“That night in the Bronx,” Arilyn said. “When you shot that man, and beat him up. The wife was pregnant, wasn’t she?”
“Yeah. Five months. The baby was okay, though. She got lucky.”
They stayed together for a while, not speaking. He’d never experienced comfort without sex, and he allowed himself to surrender to the embrace and the woman he was in love with.
“I’m so sorry, Stone. Thank you for telling me.”
He thought about where they could go from here. Still, there was no way it would work. He was a stubborn SOB, a lifelong bachelor, and had no desire to set up a future with children and dogs and a white picket fence. It would be good for a while. Real good. But then he’d work one too many late nights, go back to eating shitty food, lose his temper, and begin disappointing her. The spiral would begin.
“Come to bed with me.”
The invitation was more than physical. It was an askance of the next step for them both.
Stone pulled back and stared at her beautiful face. Stroked her swollen lips. Cupped her cheeks. Kissed her again.
“I can’t, Arilyn. I can’t do this.”
Pain and grief flickered in those green eyes. “You can. You’re choosing not to try.”
“I’m choosing not to disappoint you. It’s better this way. You’re better off without me.”
She pushed him away and he let her. He got himself together, disposed of the condom, and when he came back, she was frozen in place, her arms wrapped around her chest, squeezing tight, as if desperate for warmth. Something broke inside of him and Stone realized he’d never be whole again. Still, he didn’t reach for her.
He believed he was doing the right thing. Better now than later. Better now before it was too much for both of them.
He stopped at the door. “I’ll bring Pinky over in the morning.”
Her words were cold and deliberate. “Don’t. I’m asking you to keep her longer, Stone. You don’t have to be there for me. I’ve learned I’m strong and can heal. But Pinky needs to believe in something, and for now, that’s you. If you let her go, you’ll break her heart. And she may not heal from that.”
His eyes burned as he reached for the knob. “I’ll think about it.”
He left.
Twenty
I LOST HIM.”
Tears streamed from her eyes, and a horrible hiccupping sob kept escaping her lips. She’d officially lost it. No breathing or meditation or calm reflection for her. She was falling apart in a wreck of emotion, and thank God, her only audience was her best friends.
After Stone left, she spent the rest of the night in a numb state, trying to accept that she’d lost the battle. She got dressed for work the next morning, followed her strict routine, and managed to keep it together for the first few hours at Kinnections. Then when Kate and Kennedy popped their heads into her office to ask about Stone, she completely broke down.
“Oh, sweetie!” Kate took her in a tight embrace. “Kennedy will hurt him for you.”
“Hell, yes I will. What happened? Oh my God, did he cheat? Get nasty? Lie?”
Arilyn gulped and dashed away her tears. “N-N-No. I told him I loved him, and he couldn’t handle it, so he left.”
Kennedy groaned. “I told you not to confess it yet! The son of a bitch got spooked!”
“Stop yelling at her,” Kate said. “She did the right thing telling him the truth. Arilyn can’t handle deception well. Maybe he’ll come back?”
Arilyn hiccupped again. “No. He’s not coming back. He even wanted to give back Pinky. I hate him!”