He gives Kate a concerned look and then leans forward. "It'll shift the blame to you," Gus says, clasping his hands together. He thinks about it for a second and shakes his head. Gravely he answers, "I don't think that's wise, Abby. That might not keep Brimstone from going after Jack and it'll make you more of a target than you already are."
"Yeah, but it'll shield Jack. He's already been battered enough." I look at the pieces of cracked mug that lay on the floor. My gaze rests there as Gus and Kate discuss my idea. It's a crappy idea, I know that, but it'll spare Jack from endless hours of speculation about how he lured me into the darkness. I stand abruptly. "It's no contest." Glancing at Gus, I say, "Do it. Tell the media that I initiated the relationship. Don't say anything else. I'll take care of it later."
"Abby," Gus warns, "you're throwing yourself under the bus."
"I know. I have to. Just do it. And Gus - don't tell Jack." Gus gives me a look that says he isn't sure about that part, that he doesn't keep stuff from Jack. I answer, "If I do it myself, I'll probably say more than I should, so do me a favor and speak for me. You'll be helping Jack. Trust me."
"I hope you know what you're doing," Gus says as he picks up the phone.
The pit of my stomach curls as dread's cold fingers touch my shoulders. "So do I."
Chapter 15-16
Chapter 15
ABBY
Before I drive Kate back to her apartment, I find Jack sitting on the shore, watching the waves crash into the shore. The surf is quiet today. I see him sitting there with his knees drawn up, his bare feet pushed into the sand. His head is hanging between his shoulders like he's worried. He grips the side of his head like he can't believe this is happening. Silently, I walk toward him and sit down. Neither of us says anything for a few moments.
Jack speaks first. He untangles his hands from the back of his head and looks up at me. "I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to lose my temper. It's just - "
I lean into his shoulder, and say, "I would have done the same. Sometimes smashing a piece of glass feels really good. Other times it just makes a mess."
Jack glances at me out of the corner of his eye. His dark hair is ruffled by the wind. Everything about him looks so perfect. I want to ease his pain. I want to make this vanish for him, but I don't know how. Gus is on the phone, throwing me under the bus. Jack will be upset that I did it, but I couldn't let them do this to him. Diverting their attention might make the whole thing pass faster. I'm a nobody. Making an example out of me is pointless.
"You always say things like that."
"Like what?"
He smiles at me. "Things that make me feel better for acting like an idiot. You're like, 'oh I do that, too.'" He smiles sheepishly at me and looks down at his knees. "You know, I thought our married life would be the start of something amazing. Now, I feel like I just shot all that to Hell. As soon as you stepped off the plane, I dragged you back into the acidic limelight. I wonder if it's worth it. Maybe I should have closed the studio. You and I could have lived off our money forever and never needed a thing. This was greedy, thoughtless..."
I stare at him, shocked that he would suggest such a thing. "Working is not greedy. Feeling the need to create something isn't greed either. Just because they don't understand you doesn't give them a reason to crucify you.
"Jack, I love you. I love your art, I love watching you paint. I couldn't wait to assist and be there when you made you next piece of work. Everyone is buzzing about how amazing you are, about how you're at a juncture and that your work will change. We're all waiting with bated breath to see what you do." I'm smiling. I can't help it. My hand is on Jack's knee and I'm looking him in the eye as I tell him my hopes. "You can't give up because some ass doesn't understand you."
"It's not giving up, Abby. It's prioritizing. I chose you. You come first." He looks at me with those big blue eyes and my heart lurches. He'd give up everything for me.
"You come first for me, too, which is why I can't let you do this. You can't shove half of who you are in a box and pretend it isn't there anymore. You can't; believe me, I know. Half my heart has always been here with you. I tried to run, but a piece of me was missing. We complement each other like bread and butter. We just go together. It makes everything better - every experience, every moment, every joy, and every bit of trouble. Jack, I love all of you. I'll stand beside you no matter what happens."
The air feels heavy, like there's a storm in the distance. Jack looks out to sea while I speak, his eyes fixated on the waves. His arms have been wrapped around his knees the entire time. I drape my arm over his shoulder and pull him to me. Jack rests his head against my shoulder. His arm slips around my waist and he says, "I am my beloveds and my beloved is mine."
"Are you quoting pretty poems to get into my panties?" I say, jokingly.
Jack laughs and turns to me. The grin on his face is the only forewarning I have. Suddenly I'm on his lap, in his arms. He's tickling me. "That smart mouth of yours is going to get you in trouble, Mrs. Gray."
"If this is trouble, I'm all in." He tickles me harder and I fall back into the sand. Jack is on top of me, looking down into my eyes. Something changes, and when he kisses me, it feels like a cry for help. I kiss him softly; and thread my fingers through his hair, holding the back of his head. I act much braver than I am. I don't know what's coming, and maybe they do. The other part is this fierce girl that lives inside of me and takes control of my mouth periodically. She likes to kick ass. I wish I could hold onto her more often.
"I need to bring Kate home. She's probably asleep, drooling on your desk."
Jack's eyes glitter, like he's thinking something naughty. "Sometimes I wonder what would make you salivate like that, what would render you so incredibly filled with lust; that you would drool all over yourself." He presses a kiss to my neck.
"I suppose you intend to find out?" I ask, looking up at him through my lashes. It feels weird talking about something I've been trying to avoid for most of my life.
He nods. "You know I do. Tonight, after dinner, I want to make you feel like you're the only person in the world and the only thing you want is me."
My stomach does a delicious dip when he says those words. "That sounds perfect."
Chapter 16
ABBY
As I ride back with Kate, she doesn't say much. I practically have to twist her arm to get her talking. "So, nothing at all happened while I was gone?"
"Aside from the obvious, no." She's gazing out her window, leaning away from me. I'm driving Jack's car. It handles like a dream.
"Why didn't you let us know?" I ask, a little annoyed with her. They could have told us what we were walking into.
"Gus did," Kate looks at me funny. "He called Jack the last night you were there. We didn't want to mess up your entire trip."
Ah, that makes more sense. Jack seemed like he wanted to stay in the room that night, but then he changed his mind. I'm upset that he didn't tell me, but glad at the same time. He let me have our last night there without the stress. "He didn't tell me."
"I guess he wanted to keep you in honeymoon mode until the last second. Speaking of which, how was it? Amazing sex all week? Do you have sand in horrible places now?" She waggles her eyebrows at me.
Glancing at her, I squeal, "I can't believe you asked me that!"
"Of course you can. Now spill. How was he?" Kate leans toward me on the armrest and stares at the side of my face.
"I don't - "
"You don't what? You can't say you don't have sex anymore, because I know you do. You have that glowing, I-just-got-fucked-like-crazy look about you. So, is he rough? Does he do weird things with paintbrushes?" Now she's just trying to get to me.
I start laughing and give her little bits and pieces. "I never thought this would be my life. I mean, I can't believe Jack is mine."
I pull up in front of our old apartment in Port Jeff. It looks exactly the same. God, I love it here. Before we get out of the car, Kate grabs my wrist. I look up at her. "Listen," she says, tucking her hair behind her ear, "I was talking to Gus about this before you came back. He's really worried about Jack. If he didn't have you, Gus wasn't sure what'd he'd do."
"What do you mean?"
"Come on Abby, think about it. Jack's an idealist, like you. What happens when the ideal shatters? What happens then?"
"I don't know." That's where I am, floating along without purpose. Right now Jack is my anchor and I'm glad I have him, but I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life. What does that mean for Jack? His art is tied to his soul. It's part of his identity. What will happen if someone tears that away from him?
"I can't say that what you did today wasn't noble - it was. I know you want to protect him, but sometimes you can't. You got lucky with Emily. There's no way around this mess. It's going to hit hard and fast."
"Bring it," I say. "I'll fight for Jack, no matter what. My life is a mess, Kate. He's the only thing I have left that means anything anymore. I can tell he hasn't forgiven himself for coming onto me that night."
"What are you talking about?" Kate turns in her seat and looks at me.
"There was a lot of tension between us. He kept touching me, kissing my cheek. The night he said he loved me and that he could never have me, I nearly died. I thought he was a horrible flirt all those years. I had no idea, Kate - none. And now that we're together, he's punishing himself for loving me." I bury my face in my hands. "We're so messed up. Both of us. I'm trying to save him and he's trying to save me."
"I didn't know that," Kate says tapping her nails together. She flicks a glance at me out of the corner of her eye. "What happened those times he kissed you? Was it brotherly? Did you kiss him back?"
"Nothing happened. It was like that moment before a kiss, where you feel drawn to the person. A few times, he broke the tension by kissing my face. But that last night, without that confession, I would have never come on to him. He blames himself. I see it in his eyes. All this Brimstone crap is making him think that he was right, that he shouldn't have told me."
Kate watches me as I speak. She asks, plainly, "And what do you think? Was it a mistake?"
"No," I say with utter conviction. "Jack always held my heart. He didn't destroy me. If anything he held me together when I was falling apart... while I'm still falling apart. He sees that, doesn't he?"
"I think everyone sees that, babe. You have scars that are festering. You need to lose those feelings and get your head screwed back on straight. Jack has got to be blaming himself. If I was in his shoes, I'd feel that way, too. No wonder why he was acting like he had crazy-ass PMS today." Her eyebrows stretch up her face as she inhales. Kate looks me in the eye like she wants to say something else, but she doesn't.
When we walk up to her front porch, I hear a guy knocking a few doors down. The door he's standing in front of creaks open and he says, "I'm looking for Abigail Tyndale. Does she live here?"