"Sorry?" She chokes on the word. "That's a horrible thing to tell a girl on a date. Are you sorry you invited me out? Sorry that you allowed me to pick the movie?" Her response is sharp and unhappy.
In my misery, I accept each phrase a lash against my skin. Her words confuse me. I have done something wrong, perhaps been too aggressive. She looks heartbroken, and I do not know what I can do to fix this. My hands ball into fists, and I wish I could beat myself for my stupidity. What can I say to save this night? I have never done this relationship thing before. Never dated. I have only experience with women who take money from me, but each gift I buy for Daisy is one that I must force on her. Is she tolerating my company? Does she desire to be free of me?
At my lack of response, she gets out of the vehicle and shuts the door carefully. Her intentions are louder than if she had slammed the door and more painful than if my fingers were caught in the pinch. I see now that when she is truly upset, she retreats—and that all the delight in her is snuffed out. I hate that more than anything.
I follow her up, brooding and uncertain. I know not what to do. In the end, I do and say nothing. Not even when she pauses at her door and says, "Goodnight, Nick," in a kind voice. It sounds like goodbye, and my objection dies in my throat as I think of what soft words to say to her to convince her of my worthiness. When the door shuts behind her, I lean against it.
So many things I do well. I track. I synthesize information into discernible patterns. I follow through. I kill. Those things I am competent at. Courting, I am not.
In my own apartment, I do not allow myself to look at Daisy. Now that I have met her, kissed her, and held her, the invasion of her privacy would be too extreme. There is enough about me that would not be palatable to her, and somehow I know that this would be too much.
I won't watch her again.
I begin to do my search on the Seattle mark, scouring the deep web for information about the black market sale of organs. I find offers, sales, but no reference to the surgeons. I note the three deals that originate from the Pacific Northwest in the last month. Only three. That seems low. Perhaps the Seattle mark is too dumb to know about the deep web and instead uses some message board closer to the surface.
Once I found a child trading site on the most popular social networking site as if no one would find them in their private group. I exterminated the administrator of that network for free. A penance, of sorts, for other lives I have taken. Death is a mercy. I wear my motto on my chest. I live it.
As I click, click, click around the net, I think of my evening with Daisy and how terrible I was with her. I wonder if I can make amends. I wonder how I even begin. For a long time, I sit in my rented chair with my laptop and think of the sadness I brought to her and the darkness that dims her bright smiles. I do not even allow myself to fantasize about her. Until she is happy again, I will not use her in such a low fashion.
There is perhaps one I could ask for help, but to do so could endanger Daisy, bring her to another's notice. Yet he has hinted that he would welcome something akin to friendship from me. I pick up my phone. Then set it down. I return to it seconds later and type out a message before I can think.
What is best place to take date? I text to Daniel.
I don't wait long before there is a response. This is the most important piece of information you've ever given me, Nik.
Mudak. I respond.
I know I'm an a**hole. Only a**holes are in this business. I'm going to take this as a sign you want to be friends with me. I knew I'd wear you down eventually.
You are old lady Daniel? I thought you were young disaffected American soldier.
This time the response is not so quick. I'd be more open to sharing if you didn't think I was your enemy.
I contemplate the potential repercussions. It is not friendship I seek. Only to share information.
Nik, you asked for dating advice, not the best wire to garrote someone or whether I prefer cyanide or dimethylene.
Daniel's desire for this friendship seems odd. I do not know what to make of it.
You have other friends like me. Bogdan mentioned a network, but I work alone and have since I left Aleksandr.In a network? I add.
He's getting it! Yes, there is a small network of us that share information. We've never brought you in, because, well, the others think you aren't very good at playing nice.
I do not play nice. This network intrigues me though. When I worked with Alexsandr, there were often new recruits brought in. Early on, at nine or so, I tried to make friends, but Alexandr made short business of that. No friends. Rely on no one, he commanded. Not even him.
To enforce this concept, he'd make us fight each other for a reward. Sometimes the reward would be chocolate or some sweet. Sometimes the reward would be a better weapon. But winning always meant having extra. And when you had nothing, extra meant everything.
He responds. You have rules. You live by them. It's enough for us.
I'm perturbed. Daniel has been watching me for longer than I have suspected. How long? I ask.
Only a couple of years.
Still, that is too long. He could know about Daisy. A chill washes over me. I open my folder marked D-ArmS. Daniel, Army Soldier. Based on his weapons, his precision, his American accent, and the source of his gunpowder, I've marked Daniel as a former Army Sniper.
I have left him alone because his work has never interfered with mine. I know that there are others out there like me, specialized killers, but as long as they do not interfere with my business, I have ignored their existence much as I had hoped they ignored mine.
Do you threaten me?
No, you suspicious bastard. I'm inviting you to be a part of the network. Information share. Get out. Be safe. Make good decisions. Give you advice on first dates. If the woman has kids, go to the zoo. If she's single, movies are good.
Children? I've never dated a woman with children, but clearly Daniel has. I open my file and next to companions, I type "dated woman with child/ren."
Movie was not good. I share with Daniel.
So you're already on a second date. Good call. Some girls don't put out until the third date. Just FYI.
I write "dates girls who do not 'put out' until third date."
Advice observed. Zoo or what other options?
Does she have kids?
Perhaps Daniel has not dated a woman with children and is trying to extract information from me. I place my cursor next to "child/ren" and begin to press the delete button. I pause and then add "may or may not" to the companions line.
I take a deep breath, and my fingers hover over the touch screen. If I tell him she has kids and he is watching me, he may consider that a threat. If I tell him she is single, I risk revealing something more. But I have started this conversation by texting him in the first place. Perhaps I am ready for the risk.
You know the answer to that question.
Yes, I do, but you know things about me too. That's called information sharing! You're already doing it and didn't even know it.
I do not like not knowing things.
I know, which is why I'm telling you that if you give me something, we can move on from here.
I understand now. Daniel wants an overt show of good faith. Even if I tell him something that I am sure he knows, he will accept this as an olive branch.
She has no children.
Take her on a picnic. It shows you've thought of her, planned for her. Take her somewhere private. You'll have to talk to her, though and from our conversations, you're a pretty terrible conversationalist. You may want to practice that.
Da, spasibo. Yes, thanks.
I have a plan, and now I can sleep. Tomorrow I will renew my campaign, apologize for my misdeeds, and pray that she will accept me.
Chapter Seven
DAISY
Regan and I are playing flip cups and drinking. It's a silly game, but since she's introduced me to something called cinnamon schnapps, everything seems silly. It's harmless drinking, to get intoxicated in our apartment with the door locked and the evening done. I mentioned to her that I'd never drank alcohol before, and she wanted me to get my first experience in before we went to the club. We've put Becca off for another night, claiming I have to work. Regan says that Becca's pouting, but she'll get over it.
So we drink.
Drinking, of course, leads to a game. Flip cups. She pours shots into disposable cups and lines them up on the table. We drink a shot and are supposed to put the cup on the edge of the table and then flip it over with a tap. I'm terrible at this game and by the end of one round, we're getting sticky alcohol all over the carpet, so Regan suggests a different game.
"It's called Never Have I Ever."
I giggle drunkenly and take another sip from my cup. The alcohol burns my stomach, but it's a good, interesting burn. "How does this game work?"
"I say 'Never have I ever something.' If you've done it, you drink. If you haven't done it, I have to drink."
I furrow my brows, trying to keep this clear in my mind. Maybe the alcohol is already getting to me. I probably have no tolerance for liquor. "What have I never done ever?"
"No, no," she says, laughing. "I say 'never have I ever drank alcohol' and you would not drink, because you haven't before tonight, see?"
This is confusing. "But I'm drinking now." Perhaps Regan isn't so good with alcohol, either. Her rules make no sense. My head is fuzzy, but I'm having so much fun. I can't stop giggling into my hand.
"That was just an example!" She sighs and grabs the bottle, refilling both of our red plastic cups. "So, I'll start since you clearly need more examples. Never have I ever eaten…frogs."
I snort with laughter. "I haven't eaten a frog. So do I drink?"
"No, no. Since you haven't done it, you don't drink. I do because you haven't. Understand?"
"Um." I still don't quite get it, but I'm willing to play along.
She nudges me with her cup. "Your turn."
I think for a moment. "Never have I ever gone to college. Is that right?"
Regan tips her cup back, drinking. After a moment, she swallows and nods. "That was a good one."
"So how do we win this game?"
She shrugs. "If you're still conscious by the end of it, you win."
Oh. I stare down at my cup. She's refilled it, and it looks entirely too full. Already my nose feels full of cinnamon and my throat and belly burn. I don't want more, but I'm enjoying myself too much to protest.
"My turn. Never have I ever had anal sex."
"What?" I am shocked. We've gone from frogs to…that?
Regan shrugs and drinks, but there's a laughing grin on her mouth. "Just curious if all the Pollyanna-ness was hiding a dark, dirty side."
I do have a dark, dirty side, but it's not quite that dirty. "I haven't even had sex, Regan!"
She waves a hand at me. "You're supposed to wait for my next question."
"Oh." I think for a minute, trying to formulate a question.
"So you haven't had sex? Really?"
I shake my head.
She looks impressed. "Kudos to you for holding out for marriage."
"I'm not," I blurt, and then I giggle because I sound so eager. "I just haven't been asked yet."
"Mmm. Think Nick will ask you?"
I feel all flushed and warm at the thought of Nick. Nick, who kissed me before the movie and then treated me like I'd offended him afterward. I don't know how to read him. He was beautiful, though, and sensual. And so very alive. I shiver, thinking of his icy eyes. "I don't know if he'll ask me," I admit. I'm a little sad at the thought.