“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s really not. Okay, so, I was talking about you and he just really wanted to meet you. That sounds creepy, but it’s really not. The lunch was weird, but only because Will was kind of being an idiot. He can be really charming, but –“
“Lottie.” She raised one eyebrow. I always wished I could do that.
“Yes.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t think you were throwing him at me. I should have been honest with you before. I just got out of a really serious relationship, and I’m still having a hard time with it.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. It’s his, actually. We were engaged until one night he left his phone at my house and I saw all the sexts from his ex-girlfriend.”
“Wow. What a douche.”
“Yeah, he was. I can’t believe it took me so long to realize it. There were so many red flags,” she sighed and mimed shooting herself in the head.
“Yeah, I’m quite familiar with those. My roommate is head over heels for Brother of Doom numero uno.” I’d told Audrey a little about Zack and Zan.
“Yeah, that’s what you said. I feel bad for her, honestly. You know he’s only going to hurt her.”
“I’m just scared he’s going to really hurt her. This guy isn’t just a jerk. He sets my women’s intuition into overdrive.”
“Maybe she’ll come to her senses?” We looked at each other.
“Probably not,” we said at the same time.
“Why? Why do girls do these things?”
“Because boys know how to push all the right buttons. They say the right things and make us feel special, and then they touch you and it’s like you think you’re going to die from how good it feels. And it does feel good, for a while.
“But then reality sets in and you realize that the boy who made you feel so good doesn’t anymore. There are things about him that you don’t like, and not just things like the fact that he snores, or won’t cut his toenails. You realize that he’s not the guy you thought he was. That’s the hardest part. Giving up the dream you made for yourself of this perfect guy.”
I’d never been through anything like that. Sure, I’d cried when Clark and I broke up, but our relationship went back to a weird sort of friendship after a week or so.
“My ex was scared to kiss me,” I said.
“What?”
“It was like he was afraid someone was going to jump out and yell at him or something. I mean, we’d be at my house alone and I’d try to kiss him and he’d get mad.”
“How long were you with him?”
“Eight months. We were friends all through high school and everyone was always telling us to date, so we did.”
“Why did you stay with him for so long?”
“It wasn’t bad. I liked kissing him, when he would give in, and we had fun on dates. It was like we were still friends, except we went to prom and held hands every now and then.”
“So I’m guessing if he was freaked to kiss you, it never went further than that.”
“You could say that.”
“Was he your only boyfriend?” I hesitated. Oh, what the hell.
“Yeah.”
“Well, there are plenty of options here.” Two walked by and gave Audrey the once over. Their eyes just skimmed over me.
“So enough about exes, do you want to come with us to the football game next Saturday? There’s a group going, so it wouldn’t be awkward,” I said. It was part of my master plan to get Will and Audrey together. What better place than an all-American football game?
“I don’t know. I have a lot of studying to do.” I thought I was bad, but when Audrey got on a study kick, the girl didn’t stop for hours. She had “overachiever” written on her forehead.
I couldn’t imagine a boy who would cheat on someone like Audrey. She made every Victoria’s Secret model look like a hag.
Boys sure knew how to f**k up a good thing.
Chapter Twenty-one
Zan
“Did you do it?” Stryker said, sitting back on his couch and sipping a cup of coffee. I didn’t like it all that much, but I was still recovering from the night before, so I had some as well. It was nice to have something to hold onto.
“Cause the accident? Yeah, I did.”
“Shit. I thought my sister had gone mental.”
I took a sip of the hot liquid. It was a bit like drinking tar. Stryker liked his coffee strong. “I can’t speak for her truthfulness about anything else, but about this, you can believe what she says.”
“I knew you had something you weren’t telling me, and I just figured you’d come out with it when you were ready. Sorry my sister dragged you out of the proverbial closet. God, I need a cigarette. You mind?” We went out the window to his bedroom and climbed up a small set of fire stairs to the roof.
“So what happened after?”
I told him about Carter, about FUA. About Miss Carole and how she’d made me get my shit together. I lightly skimmed the surface of the impact Charlotte had on my life, especially recently.
“Have you seen her since? Lexie?”
“Yeah. I used to go over to visit her. Her dad hated it, so I had to go when he wasn’t home. I’d written her all these letters when I was bored out of my mind in the hospital. About how sorry I was about what happened, how much I wished it could have been different. I didn’t really write them for her, but I folded them all up and gave them to a sympathetic nurse who passed them on. Her mom calls me sometimes, too.”
He leaned back on his elbows and stared at the sky. “Is she ever going to get better?”
I shook my head. I hadn’t talked to Mrs. Davis in a few months, but I didn’t think anything was going to change. Still, miracles happened.
“That’s heavy,” Stryker said.
No one had described it like that. Heavy. It was heavy. So heavy I thought it would crush me most of the time.
“Do you have any heavy?” I asked.
He stubbed out his smoke and laughed a little.
“You could say that. Typical messed up shit. Dad split, Mom loved the bottle and drugs more than she loved us. We bounced from home to home, each one worse than the last. As soon as I was old enough, I got out and took Trish with me. It’s been just the two of us against the big bad world.”
“Heavy.”
“Nah. Nothing a little music can’t fix. There isn’t anything that music can’t fix.”
That sounded so much like something Gramps would have said. My thumb brushed the lighter.
Stryker continued. “I mean, I’ve been on nearly every pill and drug and whatever that you can smoke, inhale or otherwise get into your body. They all got me high for a while, but I always crashed afterwards. But I can play a song on the drums, or my guitar, or the piano or the ukulele and I’m high off it for hours. No crash, no end to the good feeling. It sounds lame, but music is my drug of choice now.”
He picked at his nails, which were painted a purple so dark it was almost black.
“I used. When I was in Carter and FUA. It didn’t last,” I said, remembering my brief dip back into my old life. Granted, it had given me a reason to talk to Charlotte, but I wasn’t going to try it again.
“What did you replace it with?”
I had to think about what gave me the feeling drugs did.
“Running. Books. Taking pictures.”
Being around Charlotte.
I didn’t mention the last thing.
Stryker nodded in understanding.
“So we’re cool?” I said.
“I told you, I don’t judge people based on their pasts. I judge people on how they act in the present. No sense in worrying about the past. It’s not going to worry about you.”
He was so free about it. Just a shoulder-shrug and the past was past.
I couldn’t shrug off my load so easily. Maybe that was because I was weaker, or it was just too heavy.
Lottie
Miracle of miracles, I didn’t see Zan again for a whole week. I either saw him a million times, or none at all. I wished it would just be the second, but no such luck. At least that was what I told myself.
I kept close watch on Katie, but she and Zack seemed to be getting along. I made it a point to text her repeatedly when she was out with him, asking stupid questions about where the broom was, or if she’d seen my favorite socks. It was totally transparent, but she always answered me. She was still intent on her makeover plan, but she’d let me in on very few of the details.
We had more crime show marathons when she wasn’t with Zack or her friends. I said it was fine if they came over, but every time they did, all they wanted to do was go somewhere else. They half-heartedly invited me and I always turned them down.
Katie was arguing with someone on the phone when I got back from class on Friday. I had to rush because I had work, but I wasn’t going to leave until I knew who she was talking to.
“No, I’m not talking about this with you right now… No, I will… I will… Yeah, I love you too… Bye.” She chucked her phone onto her bed in disgust.
“Who was that?”
“My mom. She’s bugging me about choosing a major. No, that’s wrong. She’s bugging me about choosing the major she wants me to choose.”
“Which is?”
“Education. Or nursing. Something stable that I have no interest in.”
“What are you interested in?” I knew so little about her, and it was partially my fault.
She sat back on her mountain of pillows.
“I don’t know. Lots of things.” She picked a thread on one of the pillows and tied it in a knot. “Nothing that my mom would think was worthwhile. Her other plan is for me to marry some guy who will take care of me.”
What the hell? “Is it 1954?”
“Right? She just doesn’t get it.”
I didn’t mention the fact that Zack was headed for a lucrative career, even if he didn’t make onto a professional baseball team. He’d have his MBA to fall back on, and a stepfather that had a successful business career. I couldn’t remember in what. I just remembered seeing him in a suit at all of the games.
“Oh crap, I’m late for work,” I said, noticing the time on her pink clock.
She waved her hand. “It’s fine, go ahead.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’ll figure it out.” She shrugged, trying to brush it off.
“If you want to talk later, I’m here.”
She smiled and turned the television on. “Thanks.”
***
“I have something to tell you,” Trish said during a dead moment at work. She made sure to speak quietly, because Claudia was on the warpath since one of the other workers had quit without two weeks’ notice so we were short-staffed before Halloween. I couldn’t pick up any more hours than I already had, but Trish had jumped at it. I wondered when that girl slept.
“Okay.” Trish wasn’t the kind of person who held anything back. She tossed her hair back and fiddled with her scissors.