My arms tightened round her, and I felt sick. I couldn’t listen to the details. I wanted to pull Buck off that stretcher and finish the job.
When the police and EMTs left, we were surrounded by the Hellers. They offered first-aid supplies, cups of tea, food – but I assured them I had all those things, and I would take good care of her. Charles and Cindy hugged me unabashedly, enveloping Jacqueline as well, maybe because I wasn’t letting her get further than inches away from me.
When we opened the apartment door, Francis exited, pausing on the landing. ‘Thanks,’ I murmured, patting him once before he wandered down the steps and back to his nightly prowl.
In the bathroom, I inspected Jacqueline’s face, stared into her eyes, and asked if he’d hit her. I could hardly get the words out. She shook her head and said he’d just grabbed her really hard.
‘The spot where I head-butted him hurts more.’ Her fingers skimmed across her forehead.
‘I’m so proud of you. I want you to tell me about it, when you can … and when I can stand to hear it. I’m still too angry right now.’ I’d been right there when she’d given her account, but couldn’t handle listening to the details. His hands on her body. The pain he’d inflicted.
I undressed her carefully, gently, a different kind of slow than hours prior. Her shirt and bra and my shirt all went into the trash, and I lifted her into the warm shower. She was perfectly capable of doing these things herself, but she seemed to understand that I needed to do them for her. I soaped and kissed every bruise and abraded spot, hating that she’d been hurt. I braced my arms on the tiles and closed my eyes when she did the same for me.
The muscles of her arms were sore, so I wrapped her in a bath sheet and set her on the side of the tub. As I dried her hair, combing tangles away with my fingers and soaking the water from each strand with a towel, she told me the last time anyone dried her hair for her was when she’d broken her arm in sixth grade, falling out of a tree. She smiled and I laughed – two things wonderfully incongruent with this night.
‘I think there was a boy and a dare involved,’ she said.
Lucky boy.
But not as lucky as me.
I squatted in front of her and asked her to stay with me, at least for tonight. She touched my face, gazing into my eyes. Hers were worried, and full of compassion. She knew what had happened to my mother, but I needed to confess what she didn’t know. I couldn’t keep her under false pretences any longer. I needed her to know everything.
‘The last thing my father said to me, before he left, was, “You’re the man of the house while I’m gone. Take care of your mother.” ’ I swallowed, or tried to. My throat ached, striving to hold back tears that weren’t going to stay dammed. I felt them rising as hers spilled over and ran down her face. ‘I didn’t protect her. I couldn’t save her.’
She pulled me close and held me, and I lost it, my face buried against her heart.
Minutes later, she said, ‘I’ll stay tonight. Will you do something for me, too?’
I took a deep breath, unable to deny her anything. ‘Yes. Whatever you need.’
‘Go with me to Harrison’s concert tomorrow night? He’s my favourite eighth-grader, and I promised him I’d go.’
I agreed to her request, too fatigued to wonder what she was up to – because I knew her well enough now to look into those eyes and see when she was up to something. I didn’t care. I would do whatever she asked of me.
It had been a long time since I’d been inside a middle-school auditorium.
The orchestra kids were all roughly Caleb’s size, although he would have been at the small end of the scale. The boys were humorously insufferable, swaggering around in their black tuxedos, leaning over auditorium seats to flirt with the girls – all in floor-length, matching purple dresses.
‘Miss Wallace!’ A blond, tuxedoed kid called out from within the group, waving eagerly until he noticed me. His dark eyes went wide. Jacqueline returned his wave, but he looked destroyed to see the love of his life sitting next to a guy. I couldn’t very well blame him.
‘I take it this is one of the ones crushing on you,’ I said, biting my lip, keeping my expression even. If Jacqueline liked this kid, I didn’t want to demean him by laughing at his mopey response to the reality that Miss Wallace was taken. Had been taken. Would be taken again in a few hours, if I had anything to say about it.
‘What? They all crush on me. I’m a hot college girl, remember?’ She laughed.
I angled a bit closer and told her just how hot she was, and I asked her to stay with me again tonight.
‘I was afraid you weren’t going to ask,’ she said. Silly girl.
Harrison was a brave kid, giving my girl a dozen roses after the concert. He was self-conscious as hell, blushing to match the flowers as he thrust them at her, but I admired his gallantry in the face of that fear.
Thanking him, she lifted the bouquet to her face and inhaled blissfully. She told him that he’d made her proud tonight and he stood straighter, swelling up like a puffer fish.
Beaming, he said, ‘It’s all ’cause of you, though,’ which made her smile.
‘You did the work, and put in the practice.’
I’d made similar statements to grateful students who thought they only passed econ because of me.
‘You sounded great, man. I wish I could play an instrument,’ I added.
The kid’s eyes sized me up, and I fought the juvenile impulse to tell him he didn’t really want a piece of this. ‘Thanks,’ he said, giving me an inquisitive look. ‘Did that hurt? On your lip?’