I settled back into Barinthus's arms and magic. "Why am I suddenly Princess to you, Barinthus, and not Meredith? You've called me Meredith or Merry-girl since I was a child."
"You are no longer a child." He stared studiously ahead as if the way were treacherous and he had to be careful. I did not think it was the snow that he feared.
"You're trying to distance yourself from me?"
"No." Then a small smile curled his lips. "Well, perhaps, but not a-purpose."
"Then why?" I asked.
He glanced down at me again, and that flicker of eyelid came and went again. "Because you are princess, and heir to the throne. And I have too many enemies among the sidhe to be allowed in your bed."
"Once they learn you have come back into your godhead..."
"No, Meredith, if they discover that, then they will try to slay me before I have returned to my full powers."
I started to say, They will not dare, but I knew better. "How much danger have you been in, staying here and trying to drum up support for my claim to the throne?"
He would not look at me again. "Some," he said.
"Barinthus," I said, "truth between us."
"I do not lie, Princess. Some is an honest answer."
"Is it a complete answer?" I asked.
That made him smile again. "No."
"Would you give me a complete answer?"
"No," he said.
"Why not?"
"Because it would make you worry when you leave again, and I remain behind."
"Everyone else the ring has recognized my aunt has sent to Los Angeles with me."
"You know what they call me behind my back."
"Kingmaker," I said.
"Queenmaker now." He shook his head, that long blue hair trailing like a cloak behind him in the sudden rise of wind. "They have feared me as a power behind the throne for millennia. Do you believe they would tolerate me as your consort, knowing that I might become king?" He shook his head again. "No, Meredith, no, the queen herself understands this. It is why she did not send me the last time you came home. I have too many enemies, and too much power, to be allowed so near the throne."
"And if you got me pregnant?"
He stared off into the distance. "We have had our moment, Meredith. The queen cannot allow us more."
"This isn't what you said in the car, when Usna suggested it."
"We had many ears in the car, and not all of them our friends," he said.
"Barinthus - " He hushed me with a small shake of his head.
I glanced up and found both Amatheon and Onilwyn closer than they had been. Close enough perhaps, to hear our words. I knew almost with a certainty that they were spies for Queen Andais. The question was, who else would they spy for? Did Queen Andais really believe that either man would tell secrets only to her? No, it wasn't their loyalty she counted upon. It was their fear. Andais counted on all the sidhe fearing her more than anyone else.
Yet someone had tried to kill me. Someone had risked the queen's anger. Either they did not fear her as they once had, or fear alone is not enough to rule a people. She was still the Queen of Air and Darkness, and that was plenty scary enough for me. But I'd never believed that fear alone was enough to rule the sidhe. Of course, neither had my father, and his lack of ruthlessness had gotten him killed. If I survived to come to the throne, I knew I could not be Andais; I didn't have the stomach for it. But I also knew I could not be my father, because the sidhe already saw me as weak. If I were as compassionate as my father, it would be my death. If you cannot rule by fear, or by love, what is left? To that, I had no answer. As the faerie mounds rose out of the winter twilight, I realized that I didn't truly believe there was an answer. Two words came into my mind as if someone had whispered them: ruthless and fair.
Could you be ruthless and be fair, at the same time? Isn't to be ruthless, to be unfair? I'd always thought so, and my father had taught me so, but maybe there was a middle ground between the two. And if there was, could I find it? And if I did, did I have enough power, enough allies, to walk that middle road? To that last question, I truly had no answer, because I knew enough of court politics to understand that no one really knows how much power she has, how good her friends are, how stout her allies, until it's too late, and she's either won, or lost; lived or died.
Chapter 26
The faerie mounds looked like soft snow-covered hills, and if you did not know the way in, that's all they would be. Of course, the mounds, like almost everything else in faerie, were never quite what they seemed.
There were two things you needed to go inside the sithen. One, to know where the door was; two, to have enough magic to open that door. If the sithen was feeling playful, the door would move repeatedly. You could spend an hour chasing the door around a hill the size of a small mountain. Or perhaps it only played with me, because when Carrow laid his tanned hand against the white of the snow, there was a sound of music. I could never tell you what the tune was, or if it was singing or merely instruments. But it was beautiful music, and the closest thing we had to a doorbell. Though it was more to let you know that you'd found the door than to announce you to everyone inside. No music meant you hadn't touched the right spot. Carrow laid that small flare of magic against it, and the door was suddenly there. Or rather the opening was there, for there was never truly a door to the Unseelie sithen. There was just suddenly an opening big enough for us all to walk inside, four or more abreast. The opening always seemed to know exactly how big it needed to be. It could grow large enough for a semi to pass through, or small enough for a butterfly.