As we moved away from the empty home near the barn, I thought about leaving my family behind in a year or so. Suddenly lonely for them, I squeezed Teren's hand. He kissed my head as I sighed, "I wish my family was here."
He kissed my head again. "I know."
I'd called my sister after dinner, not able to stand not talking to her, but she hadn't been home. It had alarmed me at first, until I realized that she was probably with my mom, entertaining my children with her. I couldn't call over there and tell her what was really happening without clueing in my mom. I was pretty sure Ash would cry, or freak out, or demand to come over here, and Mom wouldn't buy Teren's cover story after witnessing my sister going into hysterics. Ashley would just have to be told after the fact as well.
Watching the moonlight glint off the lightly waving grass, I buried my head in his arm. "I'm scared," I whispered.
Hearing me, he wrapped his arm around me and kissed my head again. "I know," he whispered back.
I peeked up at him, picking out the strong lines of his features with the light I produced. He really did know what I was feeling; he'd gone through it himself. Only his had been worse, so much worse. He'd had to wait to die, knowing that he'd probably kill me when he woke up. He'd waited around to feel excruciating pain while already being in excruciating pain, having had both of his legs beaten to pieces. I couldn't even imagine how terrified he'd been and I'd truly seen none of it. For me, he'd put on a brave face.
Stopping in the grass, I reached up to stroke his face. "Have I ever told you how amazing you are?"
He smiled and nodded in my fingertips. "Yes, once or twice." He chuckled then leaned down to kiss me.
Resuming our walk, we headed down to one of the ponds that Teren and his dad frequently fished from. Some small animals darted away as we approached. A low growl escaped my chest before I stopped it. The heartbeat I heard retreating was a small one, but it still revved up that part of me. I suppose that was just my body getting ready.
Teren slinked his hands down to my fingers, sitting down at the edge of the water. I sat with him, a little embarrassed at the primal part of me releasing. He smiled and laughed lightly. "Don't worry about it. It's just a part of who you are." He leaned in to kiss the scar on my neck, a spot that he usually avoided, but as it was sort of prevalent in the air tonight, he didn't bother trying to ignore it.
I smiled that he understood so much about me. Being married to someone who had gone through everything I was going though was very comforting. "Will that finally be gone," I asked as he pulled away from the constant reminder of my attack.
Peeking up at me, he nodded. "Yes, you'll heal," his eyes scoured my body, "everywhere."
I smiled that my stretch marks would be fading too then. Slinking my hand over his propped up knee, I exhaled slowly. "What is it like...waking back up?"
I knew he wouldn't tell me about dying, but surely he could warn me about coming back to life? He looked away from me, his eyes shifting to glow on the empty fields across the stream. Near silent, he finally said, "You won't feel like you. You'll be pure...animal. Nothing about who you are will feel familiar...not even your own name."
He sighed and looked back at me. "And you'll be hungry. So hungry," he whispered. I swallowed but didn't look away. His fingers came up to touch my cheek, to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear. "I want you to embrace the animal, to let it take over. It will help you fight through the pain, it will help you live. Don't fight the instinct...okay?"
His brow bunched as his face shifted into concern. I saw the fear in the depths of his pale eyes and knew that he was, again, holding back how afraid he truly was. I nodded, cupping his hand to my cheek. "I won't hurt you?" I whispered.
He shook his head. "No, I don't have a heartbeat. I won't be...interesting to you. You'll be looking for pumping blood, the harder the better." He shook his head again. "And you won't have to look far. I'll have it right there for you." He calmed his features as best as he could. "You have nothing to fear, Emma. I'll take care of you."
I inhaled a big breath, holding it for ten seconds, absorbing his words. I knew he was right, I knew that he'd die again before he let me go, but it's human nature to fear the unknown, and death is a pretty big unknown. He held me close as we sat along that bank, the light of our eyes highlighting each other's features as we talked about less frightening things - whether or not we put the kids in a public school, when or if my sister would find someone, my mom's health, his dad's, Hot Ben and Tracey's upcoming nuptials.
I could feel time passing by, but as Teren made me laugh, or kissed me, or made me smack him with some smart aleck remark, everything in the world seemed to stop. I wasn't about to die. My kids weren't a worry in the back of my mind. Halina's struggles weren't playing on repeat throughout my brain. For a moment beside that pond, Teren and I were just a couple in love. It was nice to go back to that simplicity.
But eventually as the night wore on we decided to stand and head back to the ranch. Teren stood first and, always the gentleman, held his hand out for me. With a smile on my face, I reached up to grab it. I was halfway to standing when the smile fell off my face. My heart missed a beat, like it did sometimes if I was really nervous or anxious. It was an uncomfortable feeling and I rubbed my chest. Teren's brows furrowed as I straightened my legs.
"Emma? Are you feeling...okay?" he asked tentatively.
I started to take a step forward, telling him that I felt fine, but my body had other plans. My half-step towards him brought me right back down to my knees. I looked at myself confused; it was an odd feeling to have your body do something that you didn't tell it to do. Before I could worry about it too long though, my heart missed another beat. This time it hurt.
Knowing it was happening, knowing that I was minutes away from dying, I felt my heart shift into overdrive. In my anxiousness, my breath picked up to near panic level. Looking around myself, I felt the world constrict around me, suffocating me. I wasn't ready.
Immediately Teren's calming eyes filled my vision. Strong hands grasped my face as he forced me to focus only on the hypnotic depths of his eyes. Oxygen flooded through me as my panic attack subsided."I'm right here, Emma, I'm not leaving you."
I started to nod, but my heart stuttered. My hands feebly went to my chest, like I could somehow externally help the organ along. My smooth running engine was sputtering, part of it wanting to keep going, the rest of it too tired to even try. Like my toddlers tripping over their own feet, my heart couldn't get back up again.
Fire erupted through my chest and down my arms as my heart surged and stopped. It was a different sort of pain than I'd ever felt before. Sharp and intense, dull and aching, and all the more terrifying because it was laced with a razor sharp edge of panic. I knew what was happening, and being aware made it ten times worse. I suddenly envied the cows that would probably be dying tonight as well. At least they had no idea it was coming.
As Teren clutched me to him, his calming influence keeping me sane, I struggled to not cry out with the pain. I bit my lip so hard I tore right through it. My fangs dropped as the taste of blood filled my mouth, but I couldn't even care.
Teren's eyes watered as he watched me, sympathetic tears forming. Oddly, a part of me wanted to comfort him, but the majority of me was too scared. I grasped his face, my body shaking as my heart struggled to keep going. "Promise me," I choked out.
He shook his head, looking like he'd agree to wrangle the moon if I asked. "Anything."
I shook my head, tears stinging my eyes as a sudden, sharp pain felt like it was splitting my chest in half. My voice heavy with held back agony, I sputtered, "Promise me this is forever." Feeling a surge of strength as the wave of pain ebbed and flowed, I quickly rambled, "Promise me that you won't wake up one day, sick of me, hating the fact that you're stuck with me for all eternity. Promise me that you won't ever stop loving me. Promise me that you won't leave me for someone else in a couple hundred years. Promise me that we'll feel this way for the next ten thousand years." My sobs finally broke free as my panic kicked in full force.
His arms wrapped around me. "I promise. I promise, baby. You never have to worry about that. It's you, it's always been you. It will always be you...forever. You're it for me, for eternity. I love you, I love you so much."
I nodded in his arms, embarrassed that I'd verbally doubted him. I knew he wouldn't ever leave me, no sooner than I'd leave him, but fear and panic can make you do and say stupid things.
"I love you," I managed to get out...then the real pain started.
Screaming as I jerked against his body, I felt him lay me down. As my heart sped up to an unnatural pace, he leaned down, his cool hands brushing over my fevered face. "I'm here. I love you, Emma."
I wanted to respond with something other than pain-filled cries, but I couldn't make any other coherent noise. Aside from the discomfort in my chest, it felt like pins and needles were pricking me from the inside as my vampiric blood prepared itself to take over. I couldn't believe that Teren had ever felt this level of pain; he'd hidden so much of it from me when he'd died.
My heart raced as I started convulsing, then, as if someone had flipped a switch, it stopped. I heard myself stop screaming, felt my body stop shaking. I smelled my own blood and fear in the air, but mostly, I felt relief. I was dying and all that meant in the moment was that the pain would finally be ending. As my vision faded to pinpoints and every muscle in my body relaxed, my hearing was the last thing I retained.
It brought a different sort of ache and the part of me that could still think, sort of wished that that sense had left me first. Sobbing into my shoulder, Teren was repeating over and over that he was sorry, and that he loved me. I couldn't move any part of my body to comfort him. As my consciousness slipped from me, the last thing I heard him say was, "I'll see you on the other side, Emma. Ya Tebya Lyublyu."
There was nothing about dying that met my expectations. I don't know if that was because I hadn't fully died, or if I was just completely wrong with my preconceived notions. There was no bright light, no awaiting family members. My long dead father didn't welcome me into his arms during my brief visit to his realm. Ironically, nothing supernatural happened to me while I was transforming into a mythical creature.
But there was peace in the void. A peace that was so warm and safe and welcoming, that I could have wrapped it around me and stayed in it for all eternity. No thoughts accompanied the peace. My mind was, for the first time ever perhaps, relaxed. A blank slate, no nags or worries intruded on my well being, only peace. I would have sighed with contentment, if I could have.
But then a feeling started breaking through that serenity. It was uncomfortable, and jostled the calm I'd found in death. Growing stronger second by second, it slowly awoke me, changing me. Everything I knew washed away as the feeling burned through my body, emanating from my stomach. Some primal part of me knew the feeling enough to give it a name - hunger - intense, burning, all-consuming hunger. A low, feral growl erupted from my dry throat as the uncomfortable feeling tightened and strengthened.